And just like that, he discarded me.
Since my last post, there's been a falling out with my ex. He probably did me a favor but it doesn't lessen the sting. I've observed my ex completely imploding and sabotaging every aspect of his life and it's escalated since I broke up with him. He is currently homeless and sleeping on the floor of his office at a job that is in serious jeopardy because he doesn't take it seriously and has made some expensive mistakes. He says he's unhappy there but he's wavered many times over the past year on an exit strategy. He was supposed to secure a lot for his rv at the beginning of the month, but I found out two days ago that he didn't submit the application and lost it. He keeps talking about taking off for an unknown amount of time on a trip to find himself even if it means he'll be fired. For a middle aged man who is homeless and possibly soon to be jobless, he doesn't seem very concerned. I've noticed additional indecisiveness and impulsive behavior that screams of man-child.
I could no longer be silent since I felt like my silence was a form of condoning the behavior. I pointed out that he was headed down the wrong path. I shared that he was acting childish and making decisions like an 18-year-old. I also shared that if he wanted to truly get clear about the dysfunctional relationship that exists with his mother, he needed to distance himself from her for a while. Especially since he just attended an intense weekend long workshop on codependence and family of origin. He always defends his mother as if she is some kind of god. His denial of the truth has certainly fueled my hatred of her. He's gone so far as to say that he will discount anything I say about his mother just to spite me. His recent boundary setting he's been doing with me has been more like a totalitarian environment while he sets no boundaries with her. I am tired of being on the receiving end of his anger towards her. I can often lose my cool but for some reason this time, I was extremely calm and clear. When he became agitated and confrontational, I told him it was time to leave.
He lives in a fantasy world and anything that threatens that fantasy is seen as a personal attack. He creates his own reality. Like Peter Pan when he didn't want Wendy to grow up, he has tried to get me to participate in his fantasy and I am not interested. The rage that he demonstrates at anything that challenges his denial is shocking at times. The truth is that if he can't be honest with himself, he can't be expected to be honest with others.
Last night, he asked to speak with me. He was extremely angry at what I had said the night before and claimed that I had insulted him and drug him through the dirt. I remained calm again and simply stated that I hope he sees what I was trying to tell him someday. I said I was starting to lose respect for him because of the irresponsible decisions he is making. This really pissed him off and again he felt I was insulting him. He's free to be insulted and act like a wounded animal but he simply didn't like what I have to say. He said he is ridding his life of this type of negativity. Translation - he's rejecting anyone who doesn't follow the script of his fantasy. We both agreed that this gradual split wasn't working and canceled any future plans. I have a suspicion that he sensed me pulling away and the rejection was too much to bear so he took the upper hand and rejected me first. When he left, I felt like he was saying goodbye to a friend at the airport. After all we shared, his parting words were simply I wish you well.
I feel he underestimated me. He forgot my love and loyalty are not for sale. I think he expected me to beg and cry for him to stay but I did not. I let him go. While he is not a full blown malignant narcissist, I have seen evidence of narcissistic traits and behavior. What happened the other night is a perfect example. Narcissists will follow a pattern of love bomb-devalue-discard. He went straight from love bomb to discard. Then they will circle back and start the pattern all over again. Wouldn't you know while I was sitting here writing this blog, I get a text from him with a heart. What the fuck! When he left yesterday, he lost the privilege of interacting with me in an intimate manner as well as being a friend. I am baffled that he would act like the discussion and venom of last night never happened. I am not responsible for his loneliness. He created this and now he has to live with it. I will not be responding to his message.
I am hurt and deeply disappointed in his behavior on many fronts. I am shocked at how he saw my words as a personal attack. A man in his 60s shouldn't be content to live in a travel trailer let alone think it's acceptable to be homeless and sabotage a job. While I am sad, I am relieved that I no longer have to bear the consequences of his behavior. I am in charge of my own life and moving on. If I am too much for you, you are not enough for me.
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