Since my last post, I have decided not to date the guy I just met. Not only did he continue to flirt or talk with other women the last time I saw him, he also casually asked if I wanted company at midnight. This is from a man who does not even have my phone number. Translation - booty call. I don't want a hookup, I want a husband/committed relationship.
In addition to deciding whether I would date this new person I just met, an additional wrinkle showed up. There is someone else that I have liked on and off for a year and a half. Our timing always seems to be off. We just start to get to know each other better and a new relationship with someone else starts or I'm still grieving a previous relationship. I unintentionally hurt his feelings when I got back together with my ex. This other man and I had agreed to meet at a local bar to hang out. Two hours before that meeting, I took my ex back. It was the last thing I intended when I went to speak with him but he weaved his web of deception and put on a pretty good show of being changed and remorseful. I wanted to believe it so badly I fell for the act. I'm sure it was a slap in the face to this other man. He had generously told me to take the time I needed to heal my broken heart and just the week before I had given him the green light. I assumed he wouldn't give me the time of day again after the hurt I caused.
Just before I went to my favorite hangout for some dancing, I went to a stupa. I put in a prayer request for guidance to lead me towards those things that serve me and to walk way from those that don't. I took a mental health day yesterday, spending the day in my PJs writing my book, thinking and catching up on emails. I still didn't have my answer as to what to do. I lay awake most of the night ruminating and then it came to me.
I was surprised when the first guy asked me to dance with him. After the band was done, I pulled him aside and apologized for hurting him. I have felt awful since that day and it has haunted me over the past several months. I didn't expect him to be receptive but he was. I don't know if his receptiveness means that he'll let his guard down but that wasn't the intent of my apology. I just wanted to do the right thing and take accountability for my behavior. I wanted him to know that he had done nothing wrong.
My body has known all along what the answer is. While I was dancing with the first guy, I remember being aware of how relaxed my body felt. How joyful I felt in his presence. How he made me laugh. Compare that with how my body feels around this new guy and it was a sharp contrast of feeling tense, worried and concerned about integrity. I lay awake most of last night thinking what am I going to do? It seems like every time I start to get to know this first man, something or someone else gets in the way. At two in the morning, the light bulb went off... if I feel comfortable and relaxed with one man and tense with another, don't go out with the man that makes my body feel tense. I don't know if the first man will give me another chance -- I certainly have no right to ask for one. If he does decide to be vulnerable with me one more time, I'm certain it will be the last time. If I mess it up again or hurt him, all bets are off. If I get involved with the new guy I could possibly be sacrificing the type of relationship that I have been looking for in exchange for another episode of hurt and betrayal.
This is a pattern of mine - I overlook red flags. I make excuses for them and months or years down the road, those initial red flags or feelings of intuition turn out to be the very reason I should not have gotten involved with that person in the first place. Regardless of whether I'm granted a pardon, I do not want to date the new guy. In fact, for a little while, I don't want to date anyone. I want to sit back and watch and see what the first guy does. If he pursues me again, I want to make sure there are no obstacles. I want to give him the best chance possible to be successful.
Part of recognizing the red flags in others is recognizing the worth in ourselves. It's okay to say no. It's okay to take a step back and evaluate the situation. In the past, my body always told me what I needed to know, I just ignored the messages.
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