As I navigate my healing journey, I sometimes forget just how far I've come. This journey began in earnest 11 years ago and it has felt like a slow process at times. During a recent trip to Utah, I had a startling reminder of just how far I have come in the past year.
One year ago almost to the day, I traveled to Page, Arizona to do a three-day kayak trip in Marble Canyon that began at the Glen Canyon Dam. At that time, I had recently taken back my narc ex and was deeply trauma bonded. I had no idea this was going on. On one hand, the trip was magnificent - the scenery was breathtaking, the time on the water was relaxing and I had a lot of fun. On the other hand, there were arguments during that trip. I was being gaslighted and manipulated. Five months after that trip, I had enough and left him for good.
I have so much more clarity about what I want in a relationship and what I don't. I have been vigilant on working on myself while also looking for signs in men I date for narcissistic traits. The course I started in February to become a certified somatic trauma informed coach has had a profound impact on my self healing. As well, I had recently started taking additional courses in a self help membership to become a healthier person in the dating world. As I drove across the bridge on the dam, I became emotional because I could see the difference in myself. As I reflected on where I was then and where I am now, I was proud of how far I had come in such a short amount of time.
It's interesting that this trip also became pivotal in my most recent relationship. I was disheartened at the reaction I got from my last boyfriend after scheduling it which led me to break it off with him. A few days later, I did decide to give him another chance with the expectation that things would be different and he went with me on the trip to Utah. Ironically, this also cemented the decision to not continue with this relationship with him after all. Even though there were signs of improvement, the changes weren't in the spirit of an authentic desire to better himself and the relationship. They came from a perspective of compliance instead of willingness. I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't interested in personal growth for the improvement of both himself and the relationship. I want a willing participant not a people pleaser. Even though I was in love with this man, I let him go for good. It was a painful decision but the pain of being unhappy and not loved the way I deserved in the future was far worse. I would rather be alone than be in the wrong relationship.
As irony would have it, the next day I ran into another man that I have liked for two years. We had a connection in the past, but my narc ex pushed him out and convinced me to be with him instead. It was a huge mistake and without intending to, I hurt this other person. I didn't think I'd get another chance with him. When we saw each other yesterday, we had a lovely time dancing then subsequently spent the evening in his back yard talking for hours while watching the sunset. I was grateful that he seems willing to give me another chance. I won't squander it this time.
My narc ex has been hoovering me over the past several weeks and has been showing up in my regular hangouts. While I would rather he leave me alone and stop harassing me, it did give the first man an opportunity to see first hand how I've moved on and am ready to be with him. I'm sure my narc ex is trying to get his foot back in the door and push the other guy out again, but it only solidified the possibility of us reconnecting. Karma is a bitch, isn't it? It just goes to show that when a person without integrity tries to manipulate a situation, their selfish acts backfire on them.
While on one hand, I feel that I've wasted over a year that I could have been with the original man, I also wonder if I wasn't ready for him yet. Maybe this is why things happened the way they did. I had to come to the realization that my ex was a narcissist and I was trauma bonded. All of that couldn't have happened before I knew what I was experiencing. I have had several months of intense healing and am now ready for a healthy relationship. There are no guarantees that this next man will be that person, but I have a much better chance of finding out. I am much more grounded now and am willing to show up myself as a healthy person. I have a lot more to bring to the table than I did a year ago.
As I stood on the Glen Canyon Dam and took the picture above of Marble Canyon, I went back to the picture that was taken of me a year ago with the dam in the background.
The woman in that picture was not the same woman that stood on the dam now. She is much wiser and confident. She knows what she wants. She is willing to pay the price to get it. While she has a long way to go and more healing to do, she knows just how far she has come and is proud of herself. What a difference a year makes.
Commentaires