This week has been extremely difficult and draining. After dealing with the dissolution of my relationship and friendship with my ex, he reached out again yesterday. His text said that he saw our conversation over the weekend in a different light and wanted to make amends. While I was skeptical, I was also hopeful that maybe he did reach an understanding and an apology with accountability for his behavior would be part of this conversation. When he called, he proceeded to read two journal entries.
One was about a share he did at a support group. He told me that the support group recommended that he remove me from his life for the way I talked to him. While he was reading me the journal entry, I kept thinking why on earth is he telling me this, is he implying that he's doing me a favor? I did have a tough love conversation with him when I confronted him about the decisions he was making, but I was not rude or insulting as he said I was. I also thought that he may not have been honest with the group about what really happened since he has been embellishing his recounts of that night with me. I also remembered during a previous couples counseling session, he misrepresented himself and was untruthful about my concerns about his family. He claimed I was trying to separate him from his family which was not true. I was trying to get him to see he needed boundaries and a healthy relationship with them and that his toxic relationship with his mother was adversely affecting our relationship.
In the second journal entry, he ruminated about why I told him he was being irresponsible and making decisions with the mentality of a teenager. He concluded that I really didn't mean what I said and had only said them to hurt him so he'd end the relationship. I was stunned that he thought that and wanted me to recant my opinion of his behavior. I called bullshit. Who is he to claim he knows what I'm thinking?
He went on to say that he wanted to make amends which doesn't fit my definition of amends since he was not apologizing but blaming me. I asked him to clarify what making amends meant and what he wanted from me. His answer was that he still wanted me in his life to do things together. This was confusing since three days before he set the expectation that we wouldn't be communicating anymore, sends me a heart in a text the next day, and then two days later says he wants to make amends but also says he should remove me from his life. Which is it? Why would he want to be my friend if I'm this hurtful person he claims I am? My impression is that he wants me tethered to him on his terms. Those terms were that I wasn't allowed to express my opinion and would be expected to put up with his hot-cold behavior. I had enough of the uncertainty and the roller coaster I was on. I said that he wanted the benefit of my time but he had not earned it and could no longer be a part of my life. I cannot move on if I continue to spend time with him. I also stated that I would not continue to participate in his fantasy. When I said that I did mean everything I said and it was not shared with the intent to end the relationship, he got very angry and ended the conversation shortly after that.
I was baffled by his reasoning. I felt that his delusions were getting worse. Was he like this all along and it's just coming to light or is he having some sort of crisis? I'm afraid they were there all along since there were several incidences of him being unreasonable and oversensitive. As well, frequently during discussions or arguments the blame would circle back to me. That is classic narcissistic behavior. When we broke up the first time, this didn't happen. He did hover around and show up conveniently in places at the same time I was there. I kept trying to figure out why this time has been so much more volatile and then it came to me. He has lost his power over me. During the first break up, I was living in my rv in his lot while he lived at his office because I had to wait two months to secure an apartment. I was grateful for that but now I wonder if he did it to keep me under his thumb. He had power over me because if I pissed him off, he could kick me out on a dime and I would be homeless. It was a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position to be in. This time, he was living in my apartment so I have a stable living environment and could ask him to leave. Since I'm not vulnerable, I feel more comfortable during this breakup to set boundaries, pull away and express my concerns and needs. It seems that the very thing he's trying to avoid is what he's creating. He's expressed he doesn't want to lose me but he hasn't done what's needed to keep me. His tactics are no longer working on me. I don't care if he gets mad, I am not accepting or agreeing to play his game anymore and I am standing my ground of setting boundaries for my peace.
I can no longer live in uncertainty. I can't be in a hot-cold relationship. I am tired of being his punching bag and recipient of his anger. I didn't want things to end on this bad note but I am ready to move on. I'm ready to start working on me and the healing process. I want peace and stability in my life. I want a warm peaceful home environment. I want to continue to love myself so much that I remove anyone or anything from it that gets in the way of my peace. I can't entertain delusions, lies and manipulation. Anyone who participates in these behaviors will be denied access. I am worthy of a healthy relationship.
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