I had an epiphany yesterday while thinking about something I said the day before... that marriage is a commitment but not a guarantee. I've always been a black and white person, all in or all out, and have felt uncomfortable in grey areas. I realized that instead of sitting in the discomfort of a grey area and letting a relationship naturally progress, I've always wanted to put a label on it pretty quickly. This led to a false sense of security that the label meant the other person was as committed as I was.
This inability to wait things out was a magnet to narcissists. They love to fast track relationships to hook you. I was so eager for their commitment and validation that I played right into their hands. No wonder I've had three narcissistic relationships. Narcs love to project a false sense of security and string partners along. I was all too willing to be swept away by their love bombing and false declarations of admiration and commitment. Ironically, the things they said that they admired about me were the very things they hated me for later. It was those good qualities that they did not have themselves. It was their belief that I was perfect until I shattered that fantasy with the first sign of a conflict. By that point, I was already trauma bonded and desperate to keep them.
The series of events and intense reflection that has occurred over the past six months has been a game changer for me. I've learned something about myself each time I've gotten involved with a narcissist. I grew a lot after my first narcissistic relationship and went eight years without getting involved with one. I've failed miserably over the past two years since I've been with two of them. Ironically, all three have the same name. Is it coincidence or was there a subconscious desire to convince myself that not all men with that name are flawed?
I'm learning a lot in my somatics course about how trauma is stored in our bodies and how the nervous system reacts to trauma. I am becoming more aware of my body and how I experience my environment through physical sensations and symptoms. I had to have an uncomfortable conversation a few days ago and after the fact realized I went into full blown sympathetic mode. In laymen's terms, this means my nervous system was in fight or flight mode similar to when we sense a threat such as being followed by a mountain lion on a hiking trail. I realized I was speaking very fast and my heart was racing.
Being in tune with my nervous system is really helping me to be in tune with how I feel around certain people. I have an anxious attachment style but I've been working towards a secure attachment style in all of my relationships. Narcissists definitely have an avoidant attachment style. Their cycle of love bomb-devalue-discard pokes the bear of insecurity with someone who has an anxious attachment. In the past, it's made me work harder to get back to that initial love bomb phase, which never happens. I felt insecure because of the childhood wounds of abandonment.
I've been thinking about how everything felt forced in my last relationship. I was always on edge and in a state of lack. I couldn't trust him to keep his word about even the simplest things such as showing up on time or calling when promised. That lack of trust created an unhealthy dynamic and instead of walking away, I begged him to stay. To the outsider, it looked so wonderful and we were so in love but they didn't hear the conversations that were going on behind closed doors. The constant triangulation and refusal to make me a priority in his life always kept me begging for his loyalty, time and attention. His weekly sleepovers with mommy dearest took precedence over our relationship -- mommy was his wife and I was the other woman. His own core childhood wounds ran too deep to be addressed and his narcissism was his coping mechanism. I was always afraid if I made plans with friends, he would use this as an excuse to spend more time with his mom. The expectation that I must fully devote myself to him and accept the breadcrumbs he tossed my way meant I was in a constant sympathetic state. My chronic pain dramatically increased and my insomnia got worse.
As I interact with people now, I focus on how I feel in my body in their presence. Am I calm? Can I trust them to keep their word? Do I feel safe to be myself? I recently resigned from my job because I didn't feel safe in the environment. I've embarked into unknown territory since I'm currently unemployed but I can no longer tolerate people or environments that consistently put me in that fight or flight mode. As far as romantic relationships go, if I had sat in that grey area with my ex for a while, I would have paid attention to my body's reactions and not gotten into a "committed" relationship with him. I felt a twinge in my gut during the very first phone conversation I had with him but brushed it off. I regret being in the relationship but I'm grateful for the lesson it taught me.
Grey areas are not necessarily bad. Giving something time and space is a good thing. It helps us to get clear about what is really going on and prevents rash decisions we'll regret later. This is my work - sit in the discomfort, let things happen organically and don't try to control the outcome.
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