I didn't expect it to happen... again. He said it would be different this time... but it wasn't. I thought we were finally working on a healthy relationship with common goals... but we weren't. I thought he was going to be truthful this time... but he was deceitful. Because of all this, I ended the relationship a couple of weeks ago. It all imploded over a weekend. The hot and cold behavior, lack of commitment and deceit were deal breakers.
I loved this man unconditionally. I was willing to support him as long as he worked on himself and the relationship. I was willing to stick it out while he figured himself out. Unfortunately, like the last time, he checked out and didn't tell me. He wasn't willing to put in the effort to save the relationship or to improve himself. He took the path of least resistance because the reality of working on himself and us was too much work. A pattern I've observed in all areas of his life. Once again, I gave more than I got. He presented terms I couldn't accept. The only consistency was inconsistency and I could no longer tolerate the stress of walking on eggshells and accepting less than I deserve.
This is the first day I haven't spoken to him or seen him and the pain is unbearable. I tried to go out and sing some karaoke at a new place so I could meet new people who didn't also know him. It was my first time going out alone after the breakup and I just wasn't into it so I left early. That's not like me -- I usually stay till closing but not tonight. I'd rather stay at home on a Friday night with my dog. It's a comfort to sit with him right now on the couch while I write this post. He's hurting too. I see it in the sad look in his eyes, how he lays on his bed quietly and doesn't interact or play. I told him I wish I could explain it to him in a language he could understand. It's just as heartbreaking to watch his loneliness and sadness. He often went to work with my ex and now he's stuck at home all day alone while I'm at work. I'm sure he's confused and wonders where he is. He loves him dearly as I still do.
Sadly, he's still the love of my life. It was so difficult to admit that this man was not capable of being the man I needed him to be. I'm strong enough to go on without him, but I don't want to. Sometimes it sucks to be strong. I want to live in the fantasy world he has chosen, but I simply can't. I can't stay with a man who has an enmeshed and toxic relationship with his mother and put her first instead of me. I can't stay with a man who wanted me to invest in a home but not give me the ability to afford the home in the event of his death. I can't stay with a man who was not dependable and accountable.
I want a man who is not only accountable, dependable, trustworthy and 100% committed but who also cherishes me. Someone who wouldn't dream of casting me aside for others, who would move mountains to work on himself and the relationship, who would make sure I was taken care of financially should the worst happen. I want a man who has his shit together and his priorities straight. He needs to be financially stable and focused on goals. I need an equal who is mature and driven. Who sets healthy boundaries and speaks his mind and his truth. I want a real man who will fight every day to keep me instead of sabotaging the relationship.
In the support group I attend, we were asked to pick one word and journal on it for 21 days. I picked the word strength. I think that's an excellent focus for me because I'm going to need strength to get through this. I'll need strength to stand by my convictions and not second guess my decision. As we wrap up the last of the details of our split and I see him and feel my love for him all over again, I need the strength to remember that deal breaking conversation that occurred the night I ended it. The feeling of despair that I felt when he told me he would never put me first or be 100% committed to me. I have to remember the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when he wasn't dependable and then not accountable for his behavior. I have to remember the deep knowing that I felt that I deserved better and I was deceiving myself by staying. I'll be miserable in my weakness. The pain of being without him is intense right now, but over time it will lessen and eventually pass. I need the strength to remember the pain of the breakup is temporary but the pain of staying will be forever.
I have to remember the pluses of being single again. My apartment will be much cleaner, I can go to bed as late as I want and do whatever I want without a battle. If I want to stay at the bar till closing, no more negotiations or compromises on how early we leave. I can make my own decisions. I can sleep in on the weekends. I don't have to share the ice cream or the booze. I can play country music all the time if I choose and watch any TV show I want. I don't have to take care of someone else. I will have a peaceful home environment when I get home after a stressful day at work. Best of all, my dog can sleep in the bed with me.
Right now, my pain makes it hard to see the forest for the trees but I've been through more painful breakups than this. I will get through this. I will be strong because for me, there is no other option.
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