My clock went off at 1:30 a.m. last night after just 45 minutes of sleep. I hadn't intended to make it a late night but that's how things turned out. Exhausted or not, I had an online class at 2 a.m. In spite of being tired, I was also excited and a little apprehensive - it was my first of three trainings to be certified in brain spotting treatment.
Brain spotting is a healing modality that involves the client or coach picking a focal point while looking at a pointer. The session starts with the coach asking the client what they want to work on, getting a brief description of the situation as well as what sensations in the body are being experienced. The client then decides how intense the feelings are on a scale of 1-10. At that point, the coach moves the pointer back and forth till they observe a change in facial expression or body language or the client tells the coach where the body sensations are strongest while watching the pointer. The goal is to process the trauma by accessing a certain point in the brain that can go deep and process efficiently.
When I got my turn to let another student do a practice session on me, I was shocked at what happened. As I stared at the pointer, it almost seemed to float and dance like it had a life of it's own. I wanted to work on fear of success in my business. I sat quietly as I let random thoughts come and go. A pattern emerged... I was in the living room in a house I rented in Colorado. Every time I tried to leave the room, my mind stopped me. It was like I was imprisoned in the room. What on earth did this mean? Why was my mind stuck? As I started to remember traumatic memories, the tightness in my throat increased and my stomach felt a little sick. I sighed heavily a few times.
When I was able to briefly have memories outside of the living room, I remembered how my ex-husband got mad at me the morning of our wedding. We stopped to pick up our wedding cake. Since we were eloping, I ordered the smallest one they had which was two small tiers. He was bitching that the cake was too tall and he may not get it in the car. It was upsetting that he would act like that on this sacred day. If only I had run right then. I remember my stomach twinging but thinking that I'd already committed to this and spent money on the ceremony so I couldn't cancel now.
I remembered the fights, the put downs, the day he asked for a divorce and I cried for 24 hours straight, and how I was forbidden from talking about how he was treating me behind closed doors. I remembered how we entertained a lot and appeared to be a happy couple but our friends never saw the monster he was when no one was around. I remembered that he wasn't sorry for any of the abuse he dished out and blamed me when my daughter didn't want anything to do with him during the divorce. He didn't care about what he did. He only cared about his image, not the reality of who he really was.
As we wrapped up the session and debriefed, I realized that maybe the living room represented the prison I've been living in. I left him 11 years ago but there are still things in my life that he has vicarious control over. I stated how I was done with him still having this much control over me. I'll live where I choose. I'm going to continue to share my experiences since they are my truth. My silence about those years is giving my power away to him. Every time I talk about my past, my voice gives me my power back and frees me from the prison of silence. Fear had kept the door to success closed but now I had opened it and the abundance I sought is free to manifest in my life.
I'll admit I was a little skeptical that just staring at a pointer could really process trauma. After my practice session, I was blown away at how quickly (within 45 minutes) I came to that conclusion. I have two more days of training to complete for my certification. I volunteered for a demo session with the instructor. If I get the chance to do that, I'm sure the healing will be even more profound. Our brains are way more powerful than we realize. All of us has the ability to heal ourselves with a little outside assistance.
What prison are you living in? What memories haunt you and hold you back? How can you process them so you can live a more fulfilled life?
Comments