Why We Stay: Understanding Trauma Bonds and the Nervous System

High Value Woman
3 days ago
3 min read

Domestic abuse isn't always visible. It doesn’t always leave bruises or scars. For many survivors, the abuse is emotional, psychological, and deeply embedded in the nervous system. In this post, I'm diving into the often misunderstood reasons why survivors stay in abusive relationships—and how trauma bonds, nervous system responses, and manipulation tactics keep us stuck.

“Why didn’t she just leave?”

It’s a question I used to ask before I experienced it myself.

Now I know—it’s never that simple. I stayed for ten years in a marriage that was emotionally and financially abusive. I wasn’t locked in a room or physically restrained, but I was mentally imprisoned. And like many survivors, I didn’t even realize I was in an abusive relationship until long after I left.

Let me break down some of the biggest reasons why we stay—and why our nervous system, beliefs, and past wounds make leaving incredibly complex.

What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment that forms in the midst of an abusive cycle. It's created through intermittent reinforcement—think love bombing followed by withdrawal, followed by just enough affection to keep hope alive.

Imagine a child given a piece of candy, only for it to be snatched away just as they're starting to enjoy it. Over time, the child becomes desperate for that candy, chasing every opportunity to get it back—even if it hurts.

That’s what many abusive relationships feel like.

You’re chasing the version of the person who “showed up” in the beginning—the one who was attentive, loving, and said all the right things. The problem? That person was often a mask. A fantasy. And they’re never coming back.

The Role of the Nervous System

Your body knows before your mind does.

In my own marriage, my stomach would twist when something felt “off.” My throat would tighten when I wasn’t heard. My gut screamed when he paid more attention to another woman than to me—right in front of me. But I ignored it. I explained it away, just like he did.

Abuse isn’t always physical. Emotional and psychological abuse bypass logic and go straight to the body. If you’ve ever felt exhausted, confused, numb, or physically sick in a relationship, your nervous system might be sounding the alarm.

Other Reasons We Stay

Aside from trauma bonding and nervous system responses, there are many other deeply rooted reasons survivors stay:

Codependency and “fixer” mentality: Many survivors (myself included) are fixers. We see the wounded little boy inside our abuser, and we think, “If I just love him enough, he’ll heal.” But you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to change.
Financial abuse: Abusers often manipulate finances to create dependency. I had no money, no job, and no credit. I was willing to sleep on the streets if I had to—and that’s not a choice anyone should have to make.
Addiction to the person: The highs and lows of abuse create chemical dependency. Oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol—it’s a biochemical storm that keeps you addicted to your abuser.
Fear of physical harm: For some, leaving isn’t just hard—it’s dangerous. Statistics show the risk of violence escalates significantly in the days immediately after leaving an abusive partner.
Shame and denial: I denied it for a long time. When my counselor called it abuse, I told her she was wrong. I didn’t see myself as a victim—I was just “in love.” That kind of brainwashing is similar to what people experience in cults.

The Cost of Silence

Abuse breaks you down slowly. You start to believe you’re the problem. You question your intuition. You tolerate the intolerable. You start to lose your voice.

I know what that’s like—because I lived it.

As a Self Love Mentor, my mission is to help women break free from these cycles. Not just physically, but emotionally. Somatically. To reconnect with their inner truth, trust their body again, and reclaim their power.