Talk About It Later: Healing Relationship Communication After Trauma

When we think about communication in relationships, especially after experiencing narcissistic abuse or trauma, it can often feel like a minefield. Many of us are left hyper-aware, emotionally raw, and stuck in patterns of over-explaining, shutting down, or desperately needing resolution. In a recent conversation with couples therapist and author Raffi Bilek, we explored how the key to healing communication isn't about solving problems in the moment—it's about understanding, timing, and empathy.

The Myth of Immediate Resolution

"You can't solve a problem you don't understand," Raffi shared. This truth hit home. Too often, we're trying to fix issues before we've even fully explored them. In heated moments, when our nervous systems are activated, the urge to resolve can actually escalate the conflict. Real healing comes from pausing.

This idea is at the heart of Raffi's "Talk About It Later" principle. Rather than diving into a discussion while emotions are high, take a time-out. Allow space for emotional regulation. This isn't avoidance—it's a commitment to having the conversation well.

Why Pausing Feels So Hard (Especially for Trauma Survivors)

For many of us with anxious attachment or trauma history, taking a break can feel threatening. I shared in our conversation how, after growing up with abandonment and silent treatment, a partner walking away during conflict used to trigger deep fear. But the key difference here is intention. A healthy timeout is done with communication: "I'm overwhelmed. I need some space. I will come back."

When partners build trust around this, the fear begins to quiet. As Raffi explained, it's not about being perfect in your communication, it's about having a plan and following through—even if it's messy at first.

Emotional Flooding & the Fight-or-Flight Brain

One of the most eye-opening parts of our chat was the reminder that once we're in fight-or-flight, we lose access to our best thinking. Trying to talk things through in that state is like trying to drive with your eyes closed. It's not going to end well.

That's why recognizing early signs of emotional flooding—tightness in the chest, racing thoughts, feeling the need to "make a point"—is crucial. These are the cues to pause. Walk, journal, breathe, bake, whatever helps you reset. Then return to the conversation when you can show up with presence and empathy.

Empathy Is the Healing Tool

Raffi introduced a simple and memorable framework for connection: L.O.V.E.

• Listen

• Own it in your words (reflect what you heard)

• Validate their feelings

• Empathize with their experience

This isn’t about agreeing with everything your partner says. It’s about showing them they are seen, heard, and cared for. It's healing for both people.

You Don't Have to Rush

Whether you're newly dating, rebuilding after betrayal, or deep in long-term partnership, one of the most powerful lessons is this: you don’t have to fix everything right now. You can slow down. You can come back to the conversation. You can honor your nervous system, your healing, and your relationship—all at the same time.

So if you're in a tough moment, take a breath and remind yourself: talk about it later doesn't mean never. It means you care enough to get it right.

Want more tools like this? Be sure to check out Raffi's book The Couples Communication Handbook at thecommunicationbook.com for practical insights and step-by-step guidance that supports real relationship growth.

You have the power.

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