I made it through Christmas! There is definitely a sense of relief that the Christmas holiday is over. I made the best of it by taking a trip - I just didn't want to sit at home alone and feel sad. Plus, I did have four days off work. I love to travel and it was a good way to lift my spirits.
I gave a lot of thought to where I was last year versus this year. Would I trade it to be with other people and not be alone on this holiday? Hell no!!! Last year, Christmas was not fun. My ex did not include me or consider me in the holiday planning. The gifts were lame without any thought put into them. I had to spend time with his dysfunctional family. Everyone in his family was playing a role assigned by the toxic pedagogy. I refused to participate. My need for space at times was not supported by his family. It all felt stressful and forced.
This Christmas I did the holiday on my terms. I went to Palm Springs, CA. What a beautiful place! Even though I didn't feel festive, I took a miniature tree for the hotel room to try to override the palm trees and 70-degree weather outside. I made fun and lasting memories with my dog at a dog-friendly restaurant and Joshua Tree National Park. I spent a fortune treating myself to fine dining and it was worth every penny. I never actually felt alone even on Christmas day. After facetiming with my daughter while opening my gifts, I spent several hours at a hot springs. There was a handful of people there and everyone was friendly. As well, I was allowed to bring my dog. He napped under the cabana while I soaked in the mineral springs pool. It didn't feel like Christmas which was okay - I wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit. I just wanted to practice self care and have time to recharge. My emotional gas tank was almost on empty when I left and now I feel like it's been filled. It was so nice to have a holiday where I was not subjected to another person's drama, chaos and toxic family dynamics.
During the drive home, I felt empowered for the first time in a while. The week before I had said spontaneously that I was glad he was gone and immediately realized that it was the first time I had said that. It felt good. It's been two months since he's spoken to me. His plan to punish me for holding him accountable for his behavior is backfiring. Not hearing from him all of this time and being discarded has helped me to see I don't need him. I don't want him. I don't love him. My goal is to be completely indifferent. I want to be at the point that if we run into each other, I will feel absolutely nothing for him. He is only a hollow shell with no substance on the inside. Every day, I have more memories or realizations that I was being gaslighted and manipulated. Each realization helps me to let go a little more.
I am looking forward to the New Year. I have plans to spend the evening at a local casino that is providing a New Year's Eve party with live music and fireworks. I found a beautiful full length gown in a thrift shop. I rarely wear dresses so I've been saying this tomboy is bringing in the New Year in style. I am ready to move on. I am ready to focus on me and my healing. This will be a new beginning and a new journey. In addition to my personal growth, my focus will be to spend time on the things that bring me joy. That means more time spent on my music, reading, traveling and building new friendships. My personal goals are to find a job that provides me more flexibility in my day to day life as well as where I live. In addition, I will be focused on building a coaching business that will eventually allow me to work for myself.
Sometimes the people that try to break us and make us small have the opposite effect. Their plans to diminish us turn out to be the catalyst that motivates us to choose ourselves over others. To choose joy instead of obligation. To choose gratitude instead of negativity. To choose me over everyone else. Happy New Year to all of you. Choose you this year. Choose joy. Choose peace.
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