Stop Tolerating What Drains You - Why Peace Is Not Optional
- High Value Woman
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Let’s talk about peace in a way that actually matches real life.
Not the performative version. Not the version where you tell yourself you’re fine while your mind is running nonstop. Not the version where you smile at the table and then spend the next three days replaying everything you said, everything he said, and everything you wish you’d said.
I mean real peace.
The kind you choose on purpose. The kind you protect. The kind that doesn’t need consensus.
And here’s the part no one likes to say out loud: Peace costs you things.
One of the things it costs you is approval - especially from emotionally unavailable men.
When You Stop Shrinking, You Get Labeled
When you stop tolerating confusion, inconsistency, and half-connection, you will get labeled.
You’ll be told you’re too much. That your standards are unrealistic. That you’re difficult. That you should be more understanding. More patient. More flexible.
But what’s actually happening is simple: You stopped making yourself smaller so a man who cannot meet you doesn’t feel exposed by your clarity.
And this is how women talk themselves into staying long after their body has already said no.
The Trap of “Doable”
This conversation is for the woman who stayed because it was doable.
Not amazing. Not nourishing. Not safe.
Just doable.
She stayed because she could handle it. She stayed because nothing was “that bad.” She stayed because leaving felt like a bigger problem than staying.
And if that’s you, I’m going to talk to you like your best friend would - tough love, no shame, no blame.
Because you already know where you’ve been tolerating what drains you.
The Lie of “Later”
I used to think peace would come later.
Later, after the relationship worked. Later, after things stabilized. Later, after I figured myself out more. Later, after I felt more secure. Later, after I stopped feeling so reactive.
Later became this imaginary place where everything would finally make sense.
But hear this: Later is often the story we tell ourselves so we don’t have to face what we already know right now.
I learned this riding a motorcycle.
I’ll ride a hundred miles just to get lunch. Or an ice cream cone. And it’s never about the ice cream cone.
If it were, I’d drive five minutes down the road.
It’s about the ride. The movement. The presence. How it feels in my body when I’m awake, focused, and not performing for anyone.
We love to say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey - but most women don’t live like that. They endure the journey, hoping the destination will save them.
Here’s the line I’ll stand on every time:
If the ride of your life feels like shit, the destination isn’t going to save you.
Capability Can Trap You
I stayed in things because I could handle them.
I didn’t stay because I was weak. I stayed because I was capable.
Capable of enduring. Capable of managing. Capable of making excuses. Capable of carrying emotional weight and calling it loyalty, love, patience.
But capability can trap you.
“Doable” keeps women tired. It keeps them stuck in low-grade tension that slowly becomes normal.
And this shows up so clearly with emotionally unavailable men.
They don’t show up like a disaster on day one. They show up with chemistry. With charm. With just enough connection to hook you.
And then the confusion starts.
Not loudly. Quietly.
In the way your body tightens when you’re not with him. In the way your mind starts racing when you’re alone.
I’ve been in relationships where I felt calm when I was with him - and completely unsettled when I wasn’t.
I called that caring. I called it love. I called it being invested.
Now I know: that wasn’t peace.
Peace Is a Body Experience
Peace isn’t how you feel when a man is sitting across from you.
Peace is how you feel when you’re alone with yourself.
When there’s no one to manage. No one to impress. No one to wait on. No one to chase.
That’s where the truth lives.
And this is where Agency comes in.
Agency is the moment you stop tolerating what drains you and start choosing on purpose.
With emotionally unavailable men, Agency is not subtle.
It’s the moment you stop explaining your needs to someone who keeps showing you they don’t have the capacity to meet them. It’s the moment you stop accepting confusion as connection. It’s the moment you stop waiting for consistency from a man who benefits from staying vague.
Guarding Peace Changes Your Relationships
I guard my peace like a dog with a bone.
Because I worked hard for it.
I removed chaos. I removed confusion. I removed misalignment.
So if a man wants to be part of my life, he has to show me - clearly - how he adds peace. Not potential. Not promises. Reality.
How does it feel to be with him? Do I feel grounded? Clear? Steady?
Or am I constantly interpreting, wondering, waiting?
I am willing to be alone to protect peace in my home and in my body.
And yes - there are lonely moments.
Living alone means everything is on your shoulders. The money. The household. The dog. Your life.
Some days I’m mad about it. Some days I’m resentful.
And I would still choose this over a false connection every time.
Peace Is Not Performing for the Holidays
I’ve chosen to spend holidays alone - Christmas, Thanksgiving, three years in a row.
And sometimes it’s sad to see families together.
Then I remember how many women dread family gatherings. Dread the comments. Dread the tension. Dread the expectations.
Women have a choice. They just don’t realize it.
You’re going to be uncomfortable either way.
You can be uncomfortable in toxic dynamics with no peace. Or uncomfortable choosing solitude—and have peace.
Other people don’t have to like it.
I remember the last Christmas I spent with a partner and his family.
There was a dynamic with his mother. Mommy was basically the wife. I was the other woman.
Around his family, he changed. He treated me differently. He threw me to the wolves.
Everyone was expected to comply. To perform. To fall in line.
They were playing a card game I didn’t enjoy.
It was a beautiful day, so I sat outside and read a book.
That was me trying to create peace in a chaotic, controlling environment.
They were mortified.
And suddenly, I was the problem.
And that’s when it follows you home.
The drive home where your thoughts won’t stop. The self-questioning for choosing space. The realization that your calm makes others uncomfortable when they need conformity.
If you recognize this, it’s because you’ve lived it.
You’re noticing what it takes out of you.
Peace Isn’t About Staying for the Kids
When I divorced my first husband, I had a twelve-year-old daughter. I was told I was destroying the family.
Yes, it was hard. But the home was no longer peaceful.
Sometimes creating peace means being willing to be judged.
I would never want my daughter to stay in a marriage that drained her just to keep up appearances.
So why would I model that?
Staying together for the kids is not always the solution.
Peace is not pretending. It’s not being pleasant. It’s not suppressing anger.
Peace is a series of decisions where you stop abandoning yourself.
You can be peaceful and still be angry.
You can be peaceful and still wish things were different.
The difference is this: When you protect your peace, your decisions reflect it.
The Moment You Can’t Unsee It
There was a moment in my last relationship when I couldn’t unsee the misalignment.
Nothing blew up. I just knew.
I felt him pulling away. Panic showed up. I wanted it to work so badly.
I loved him.
But there was no peace in that relationship.
I was trying to make something stable that wasn’t.
And I broke my own heart and left.
But a year later, I knew it saved my life.
There was peace even in the pain - because I was moving forward.
Peace Is Not Optional
Peace means living on your terms.
It means stopping the performance.
It means choosing yourself even when it costs you approval.
You are not stuck.
You are not powerless.
You have choices.
When something feels off, you stop giving it space in your head.
That is peace.
It may cost you people, identities, or stories you’ve outgrown.
But it gives you yourself back.
And you do not need permission to choose it.
🎧 Listen + Watch the Episode
If this landed for you and you want to hear the full conversation in Darla’s voice, you can access the episode here:
This episode goes deeper into emotionally unavailable men, peace as a non-negotiable standard, and the moment women stop tolerating what drains them.
🔥 Ready to Go Deeper?
If you’re done circling the same patterns and you’re ready to stop tolerating confusion, half-connection, and self-abandonment, this conversation continues inside my masterclass.
This is about learning how to:
stop negotiating with what drains you
recognize emotionally unavailable patterns quickly
and build a life that can actually hold an emotionally willing partner
This is for women who are ready to lead themselves differently.