As a middle-aged woman, I find the dating world to be extremely frustrating. What has added to my frustration is the number of men who are either emotionally unavailable or who are manipulative and playing games. You would think at this late stage in life, they would have grown up a long time ago but I have encountered several who are immature children walking around in a grown man's body. What has contributed to this? I believe it's a combination of things. Our society has moved towards individuals not being accountable for their behavior and being more concerned about their feelings being hurt then being authentic which means that the number of healthy and grounded men and women have decreased.
As well, I think that online dating has done the most damage. The easy access to each other has created a lazy dynamic on both sides. I'm a bit of an old fashioned girl and I find it sad that the act of courting is dying a rapid death. When the man was expected to plan and pay for the date as well as pick the woman up, this served a purpose for both. Men are biologically hunters and the act of pursuing a woman feeds that primal instinct. Women are the caretakers but enjoy being doted on. The man's natural instinct to provide and protect supports the woman's desire to be wined and dined.
Let me clarify that when I refer to the woman being wined and dined, I don't necessarily mean an expensive meal or outing is necessary. I think during the first couple of dates, it's perfectly acceptable to get a drink or a cup of coffee so both can establish if there's a match without breaking the bank. I also realize that it's not always a good idea for the man to pick the woman up if she doesn't know him well enough. Because our world has gotten bigger and online dating has become the norm, I strongly encourage meeting for dates in public places in the beginning for safety reasons. I still think the man should pay for the first few dates and after that, it can be negotiated who pays but the man should still pay the majority of the time.
The payment expectation isn't to get a free meal or drink. It's a way that the man shows respect to the woman. If a man isn't willing to foot the bill in the beginning, I have no interest in continuing. In my opinion, you've got a fuck boy on your hands and that's not going to go well if you're searching for a healthy relationship. The only time that I would say the woman should pay for a first date is if she asks the man out.
There are some things that have changed but I believe that there are some things that shouldn't. Ladies, your time is valuable and shouldn't be given away for free. If a man is really into you, he will be willing to show you by valuing your womanhood. Women have got to stop being so desperate that they'll accept anything just to not be alone. This sends a message that a man can get away with disrespecting you. It's imperative to have boundaries and high standards from day one. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you must have healthy boundaries and you must enforce those boundaries. No longer allow any man to breadcrumb you and give you just enough of a morsel to keep you hooked.
Another tactic that I am now using to determine whether or not I am interested in someone is to not think about how I feel about him but instead how does he make me feel. Do I feel mentally and physically safe in his presence? Do I feel heard? Does he show consistent effort and follow through on what he says he will do? In addition, I have upped my game on searching online for clues into their character. I now do a full criminal background check on anyone that I date when I get a first and last name. A mere $25 a month for a membership is nothing compared to the cost of potentially losing my life because I dated an unsafe person. As well, you've got to have a full life that is all your own so when those frustrating moments come and you have to cut someone loose, you aren't depending on them to complete you. You must be complete in yourself if you want a healthy relationship with someone else.
One final note, when those immature men-children try to convince you that you are the one who is being unreasonable with your standards and boundaries, don't accept their blame and manipulation. Establish strong boundaries and stand behind them. If someone can't handle that you have standards and a strong sense of self, they are not the person for you. Every time you say no to a man, you are saying yes to yourself. Keep investing in your mental health and having a healthy attachment style. Make a list of what qualities you want in a man and compare every man you date to that list. This is your lighthouse, your guiding light to keep you on track. I know it's frustrating, I'm right there with you, but do not compromise your standards for anyone. Keep looking till you find the man that respects you for your boundaries. He is your person.
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