I recently expressed to a friend that I hated someone. Her reaction was disappointing and invalidating - she said that hate was a strong word and perhaps I just disliked this person. My response was that the word was strong and accurate because I do hate that person. I am sick and tired of people trying to define what I feel when they haven't experienced what I have and are not in my head to know how those experiences have affected me. In particular, when the person wasn't present during the time that I formed an opinion or emotion. I do have strong emotions and I call things as they are. I simply don't mince words. I'm often labeled as being too emotional or "too much". Perhaps the judgement I receive due to my strong personality is due to the fact that I have the guts to say what others won't. I don't care what people think and would rather make enemies by stating the truth then to entertain false friends by telling a lie. I am not responsible for other's discomfort at my truth telling or their need to remain in denial. Some truths can be told with softness but a truth pertaining to traumatic experiences or someone's toxic behavior can't be sugar coated. It needs to be direct and accurate.
I see this as a form of victim blaming. I call someone out for behavior that's directed at me or someone else but I am the bad guy. The bad behavior that occurred in the first place is swept under the rug and not dealt with. This is a diversion tactic to deflect responsibility of one's own actions or denial of the behavior of others. This attitude is even more prevalent among family members. There is a warped perception that family members get a pass for their abusive and toxic behavior. I hold family members just as accountable as those outside the family. In fact, bad behavior from someone close to us has the potential to cause even more trauma than if a friend or acquaintance did the same thing. The fantasy that family members are not flawed or their flaws don't affect us is simply not true. They are the most harmful because often these are the people that we want to trust the most. Accepting that they are less than we thought they were is a hard pill to swallow. But if we don't take the medicine, we can't get better. We must get past the bullshit that society feeds us that we shouldn't hold family members accountable for toxicity or hate other people in general.
I hate my father and I despise my mother. If that makes you uncomfortable, that's your problem, not mine. Were you there to experience the emotional and physical abuse that I experienced? Were you there when my father tried to strangle me when I fought back during a molestation attempt and my mother stayed in the other room and allowed this? Were you there when I confronted her and the response to not helping me was that she didn't want to get involved? Were you there when a couple of family members offered me a place to stay so I wouldn't have to live in the same house as my abuser and my mother wouldn't let me go because it would destroy the image she wanted to portray to all of her little church friends? No, you weren't and you also weren't inside my head to experience the trauma and feel its affects from these occurrences and others.
This brings up a whole other can of worms regarding expectations and shaming for emotions. Religion demands compliance by using manipulation, fear and shaming. Anyone who does anything outside of their script is a sinner or a bad person. Did it ever occur to you that the hell you believe in isn't a place we go to after death, but a place we exist in on earth? If an abused person denies their true feelings about abusive people regardless of how shocking or strong those emotions are, isn't that keeping them trapped in their trauma? When a victim is brave enough to say the truth, they are invalidated and shamed.
When I spoke out against my abusive ex, I was called a liar. Narcissists are good at putting on a show for others but my invalidators weren't there when the door shut to my home. They weren't there when he shamed me for my truth, for calling out his behavior or the times he forbade me from talking about our problems to ANYONE. Those people weren't there when he put me down and controlled me by telling me what color clothes to wear or what hairstyle to have. If I didn't obey, he said he wasn't telling me what to do but he wasn't attracted to me. They haven't been in my head the past 10 years while I've scrambled my way back and still and likely never will be the person I was before.
In order for me to work my way back from my dark night of the soul, I have had to be careful who I spend my time with. Anyone who is an energy vampire or toxic is not given the gift of my time. If I have strong negative emotions towards someone, there is a good reason. I don't hate people just for the sake of being angry. That person has done something to earn that reaction, period. That person will not be a part of my life no matter who they were. I associate with very few people in my family of origin because there is no benefit to me in having a relationship with people who want to remain in their dysfunction. I have gone permanently no contact with a sister because of her frequent abusive and manipulative behavior. Respect is earned not given. If you do something that destroys my respect for you, there are consequences. My peace and mental health are worth everything to me and I guard it with my life. As well, if a friend invalidates my feelings, I'll pull away from them too. I only want to associate with people who are real about experiences and have my best interest in mind. I am a what you see is what you get kind of person and many can't handle that. That's okay - it just means they're not my tribe. I'd rather be alone than pretend to be someone else just to stay in someone's circle.
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