Duped

There is something that I have concluded but I don’t want to admit. I think I attracted another narcissist into my life. This would be the third one and it seems the level of narcissism is decreasing with each one, but the narcissistic behavior is present nonetheless. This is hard to admit because it means I allowed myself to get duped again. Such a hard pill to swallow. I’d seen what looked like narcissistic behavior during the relationship but thought I was wrong. After the last two conversations this past week, I can no longer deny it. It’s amazing to me how they keep showing up. What am I not doing that is creating this?

I’ve given a lot of thought on how to prevent this in the future. What can I do to pick up on the red flags sooner? What came to mind is that I need to be more aware and discerning when my triggers show up. What is the source of that trigger? Is it really from abuse in the past or is it due to the behavior I’m experiencing from the person in the present? I’m starting to think that some of the triggers that surfaced were generated in the present. They may have had a basis from the past but they were deliberately poked to make me look like an unstable person. Why did he ramp it up so quickly? A change in my behavior perpetuated a change in his. I was no longer buying his bullshit and lies and confronting him about these realizations.

Let me give you an example. On the last monthaversary we had together, we went out for a really nice dinner. When we got home he wanted to watch a movie. He chose a really violent zombie apocalypse type movie. I really didn’t want to watch it but I was trying to do something he wanted. In exchange, he was going to see a live country band with me in a couple of days which was something he wasn’t interested in. I believe it is healthy to take turns doing something you or your partner want to do even if it’s not what you would do on your own. I don’t like violent movies. As well, the constant extreme violence and no way out scenarios really triggered my memories of being stalked. The feeling of no matter what I do, he’ll find me. I tried to ignore those triggers but suddenly it erupted. I had to run out of the house so I wouldn’t have a total meltdown and say or do something I would regret. I realized I left without my phone so I came back for a moment to get it in case he needed to reach me. He was extremely upset that I ran out and I reminded him that I was stalked and I needed to get away. I was shaking and in a complete panic mode. Instead of being compassionate, he painted me as a crazy person and was angry. This in itself was harmful. After the fact, I asked myself why would he even want to watch a violent movie on our anniversary? Why not watch something different that was more in line with romance or a positive experience? Watching a violent movie is the furthest thing from romance you can get. It’s a pattern I saw frequently – we would go out for an expensive or romantic dinner and he would lash out and start an argument immediately after. It was confusing and undermined the relationship. While the trigger of being stalked was from the past, the trigger of recreating that emotion with no sympathy or support came from him.

The feelings of betrayal are strong. The heaviness of his absence is strong too. How could I miss a person so much that treated me so badly, particularly in the end? He had claimed he was working hard on his personal growth so some of his behavior I excused in the name of growing pains. In those moments when he gave me a vague I’m working on it, I now think he never intended to work on anything. This was a way to keep me in his control. Create the illusion that he was working hard to be a better man so I would stay. It worked for a while, but I became more vocal about behaviors that I wasn’t okay with. I became more clear that I was not in a healthy relationship even though I thought I was. I was simply a roommate with benefits. It no longer mattered how much I loved him or how great the sex was. What became apparent was that I was accepting less than I deserved and he had to be fully committed now or the relationship was over.

Last week was emotionally gut wrenching. I know this intense loneliness and sadness is temporary but in the meantime I’m right in the middle of it. It’s sad to think that maybe he didn’t love me at all and only loved the idea of me. He wanted me around to support his toxic behavior, to help pay for expenses, a fuck buddy and to give him validation of his worth. It hurts me deeply that I was never the #1 priority in his life. Being with me was better than being alone. It hurts that he deceived me not once but twice. His begging and claims of things being different were just words to get me back into his life. What a selfish thing to do – play with my love to serve his own toxic needs. It’s hard to see things for what they really are, but I need to follow my own advice. I advised him to accept the hard truth that his mother is toxic and demand a healthy relationship or remove himself from her life. Now I need to do the same. You are a toxic person who wouldn’t do what was necessary to create a healthy relationship; therefore, I am removing you from my life.