I was feeling pretty depressed at the time of my last post - it was certainly the lowest low I have had in many years. Since then, I've been doing better. My outlook has not been so bleak and I have had some important aha moments. While I'm still suffering from frequent triggers, I think I now understand why these triggers are happening and see them as signs of growth and moving forward.
I've been focusing on listening to audio books that are about healing from narcissistic abuse. I was already aware of a lot of the material but one aha moment hit me on the way to work a few days ago. My sexual triggers have been increasing rapidly. While I knew that I had been sexually assaulted or molested several times over my lifetime, I did not remember that I had also been raped until 2016. The memories are still fragmented and fuzzy but I now know of at least two incidences - one in childhood and one in adulthood. I fear there may be more but my mind isn't ready yet to reveal the full truth.
One reason I think the triggers are increasing is because for the first time, I'm in a relationship with a healthy sex life. The last two relationships before this, the men had performance issues and so the focus was on them and not on me. Now that this isn't a problem most of the time, my mind is free to let the triggers bubble up so they can be dealt with. Another theory that just occurred to me yesterday is that I have been re-embracing parts of my old personality that were squelched by my narc. My strong sexuality and sensuality is returning as well as my intense no nonsense attitude. I've always been one to speak out, but it's been more often and with confidence lately and more in line with who I used to be. As my old personality traits come to the surface, so do the triggers.
It sucks to be my partner right now because the triggers come without warning at times. There are also certain things that have consistently been a problem which is difficult for him. We've been talking a lot about how to best redirect me when I get lost in a flashback. Some suggestions have been to put an ice pack on the back of my neck to break the pattern with a cold shock. Another is to physically ground myself in the present by pressing my hand against my partner's or list three things in my physical environment that I am observing. Most of the time what works best is to reassure me that I'm safe and just hold me. The flashbacks can be quite vivid and are not just a mere memory of the moment but an actual reliving of the event -- just like a Vietnam vet thinking he is back in combat.
The realization of why this is happening has been helpful. It feels like there is hope and this will eventually stop or substantially decrease and I won't feel like this forever. In the meantime, my partner and I are in the suck zone because it puts a lot of strain on the relationship. The good news is that my fight and willingness to work on myself has returned. I still feel depressed and down a lot but I no longer feel hopeless and despair. Time doesn't heal all wounds but with a lot of work, the wounds can become less significant. We never completely forget or get over our trauma, but we can learn to live a happy life in spite of it. That's my goal - fight today for a better tomorrow.
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