After my last breakup, I was devastated. The love of my life walked out on me and I was heartbroken. While I knew there were serious flaws in the relationship, I still unconditionally loved this man. While I didn't want to live without him, I knew I was going to have to. As much as I loved him, I loved myself more. Two weeks after the breakup, I had a moment of weakness and reached out. This began a two-week period of trying to be friends, friends with benefits, and finally the realization that if I continued to let him stay the night, I would never move on. My need for closure had now reached the point that I was holding myself back from moving on.
A few days after I had a conversation with my ex about no longer spending the night and my need to let him go, I started seeing a new therapist. There were two words of advice that came out of that initial session: 1) stop letting him do favors for you, he's only using these favors as a way to stay in your life and keep you from moving on and 2) bluntly tell him "what part of we are broken up do you not understand". These were both difficult things for me to do, but I knew she was right. While I am waiting for my apartment to be available in few weeks, I have needed help with my dog - my ex has been giving the dog mid-day potty breaks and taking the dog to work on warm days when he couldn't stay in my rv without AC. Even though this favor made me uncomfortable, I kept telling myself it's only for a couple of months till I move and then I can handle it on my own. I knew my therapist was right, this gave my ex an in to my head space. This will prevent me from moving on.
The day after my therapy session, I contacted a doggie daycare and asked my job if I could occasionally bring my dog to work. I decided to bring my dog in for a trial run that day at doggie daycare and asked my ex to leave my key under the mat (so I didn't have to see him). I stopped communicating completely with my ex. The behavior that I observed in my ex after that was disturbing and a complete turn off.
The weekend before I asked for my key, he showed up twice unannounced where I'm living. This is a difficult situation because I have had to continue to live in my rv in a spot he rents from a friend since all of the local rv parks are full this time of year. While he does have things here that belong to him, he took it upon himself to show up at given times that I would be home. He has a flexible work schedule so anything he needed to get or project he needed to work on could be done while I am at work. After I asked for my key, he showed up two more times unannounced and I also saw him going into a parking lot across from my office. Now my hackles are up. Am I dealing with a crazy person or just some petulant, immature man-child who won't accept reality that we are broken up? This really triggered me because I was genuinely stalked by an ex-husband 10 years before.
The most recent time he showed up unannounced, I ignored his text that he was on the property working on a project and wanted to talk. When I attempted to leave to run an errand, he approached my car. During that conversation, I strongly stated that I needed space and needed him to respect that. When he pushed back wanting to know why I "went dark", I said exactly what my therapist told me to say. He did say he would respect my request and give me space, but I'm doubtful that will happen. He hasn't given me space before so why would he start now? My observance of his desperation, immaturity and refusal to accept reality has been a complete turn off. The truth of the matter is that his behavior this past week has done irreparable damage and I will not consider taking him back in the future even if he claims to have done his work. The stress of feeling watched, harassed and possibly stalked has pushed me over the edge. I will never take the chance of letting him make me feel this way again. The very fact that he is baffled by my need to have space so I can move on and let him go speaks volumes. He walked out on me yet he expects me to want him in his life. I will not be an option to someone who has not made me a priority.
He may be desperate for someone to be in his life, but I am not. I want love and companionship but not at the cost of compromising my needs. I would rather be alone and single than settle for anything less than what I deserve. Ladies, a man-child doesn't care how their wants affect your needs. Their sense of entitlement and self involvement prevent them from seeing how dysfunctional their behavior is. When they get involved with a strong woman who sees their bullshit, they flip out at the very thought of being rejected. Their fears and dysfunction are not your problem. Move on and find someone who will respect you. Even better yet, take some time for yourself to honor you and if a man who is healthy shows up, that's a bonus. Love yourself more than anyone else. Honor your needs above others. Be generous with your love but be sure the person who is receiving it has earned it. There are no free rides for a low value man when a high value woman is involved.
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