Today would have been our one-year anniversary. I realized what day it was as I drove to meet a friend to listen to some music. The deep sadness and longing I still feel for my ex is hard to deal with. Even though he can't be in my life anymore due to the hot-cold nature of his behavior, his absence has left a void. A big void. He is in my thoughts every moment of the day. I miss telling him about my day. I miss his hugs. I miss his kisses. I miss looking into those blue eyes every night and telling him the best part of the day before I tell him he's the love of my life. I miss watching Outlander together - I thought he was my Jamie Frazier since he's of Scottish descent and sexy as hell. I miss our tradition of doing Fireball shots. I haven't touched the Fireball since last weekend when he was here. Tonight, I decided to do a shot. We would always toast to something so I paused for a long minute before I decided to toast to healing my broken heart. I know I won't always feel this way but right now, the loss is so intense. Every fiber in my being wants to break down my boundaries and call him. My heart wants to pretend that the hurtful things weren't said. But my mind won't let me. In spite of the pain, my mind says don't give in. Don't compromise your worth for momentary relief of your loneliness. Stay the course. This too shall pass. In the meantime, the weight is heavy and there is no escape. Even when I'm out partying and smiling on the outside, my insides are filled with sadness. His memories linger everywhere when I go out. The silence in the apartment is deafening. I feel as if I'll never be over him. I want this to all be a bad dream. I feel alone and abandoned. I feel discarded. I feel anger at the senselessness of this. I feel broken hearted.
I keep wondering if he has thought of me since our conversation two days ago. Did he remember what today was supposed to have been? Does he regret sabotaging the relationship? Did he ever really love me? Does he miss me? Does he hurt like I do? Does he realize what he lost?
Dealing with heartbreak is so hard. It's a physical pain, a heaviness in the gut. It's the worst kind of uncomfortable and it overshadows everything. How could a heart this broken ever mend?
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