I have spent holidays alone in the past and done pretty well, but this Christmas season, I am really struggling. After a lot of reflection, I realized why this holiday season feels worse than others. When I got divorced and ended my relationship with my last ex-husband, it was a normal divorce/break up with normal emotions of sadness and regret that the relationship didn't work out. This time, I'm dealing with a breakup with a toxic narcissist and the fallout is much worse. The discard and ghosting has cut me to the core. The last time we saw each other and spoke, he displayed so much contempt and narcissistic rage. It's only been six weeks since the mask fell off and he revealed his true nature.
I realized he didn't even kiss me goodbye the last time he saw me. I know he thought I'd come crawling back to him like before but I've had enough of his abuse. I'm done riding his roller coaster of delusion. I'm choosing stability and peace over chaos and manipulation. I still hurt deeply from the abruptness of his discard as if I never mattered to him at all. Realizing that I only loved who I thought he was and not who he really is was painful but also liberating. It helps me to let go and move on. It's mentally exhausting to feel conflicting emotions at the same time. I miss companionship but I don't miss the drama and constant battles. I miss affection and physical touch but I don't miss what I had to sacrifice to get it.
To outsiders, the abruptness of the breakup was surprising to them as well. All they saw were the happy pictures of the multiple trips we took. They only saw the good times. They saw the pictures of us at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon with smiles on our faces, but they didn't see the fight we had in the car 30 minutes before. They didn't experience the pushback I got when I called him out for ignoring me and walking ahead of me at each of the overlooks. They didn't know that those moments at the overlooks were do overs after the argument. They heard about the great kayak trip we took in Marble Canyon, but they didn't hear about the fight we had in the tent during a thunderstorm. They saw the amazing picture of us at a local winery just days before the breakup but they didn't see the argument that occurred just before that. All of my good memories and trips are tinged with bad memories. In typical narcissistic style, he love bombed me and then picked a fight.
For the past few days, I've been in a deep funk I can't seem to get out of. I had a brief reprieve yesterday while out listening to music but after a couple of hours, I started to get sad again. I left the bar at 10... that's not me. I normally close the bar and don't leave until the band finishes their last set. I feel sad, isolated, alone, invisible, disconnected... I have brief good moments but the sadness and depression have a stronger hold on me at the moment. This Christmas season feels hollow. I put up my tree but felt so sad while putting the ornaments on it. A lot of my ornaments have sentimental meaning and a story behind them. He'll never hear those stories or see that side of me. Even though I know he wasn't interested in knowing who I was and only interested in using me, it is still disappointing.
I went to see a local production of the Nutcracker today. It was an amateur production by a local dance studio and I really enjoyed seeing the little kids dancing. The smallest dancers were the most entertaining because they were unsure of themselves and what step was next but unbelievably adorable. I was flooded with memories of my own dance recital days. I started taking ballet and tap at age four and saw myself in those little girls on stage. He'll never hear those stories either. I was in a room filled with families sitting together but I was there by myself with no one to share the moment with.
I've never felt this empty during the Christmas season. It's a difficult time to be alone which is compounded with all of the emotional turmoil I'm dealing with. It makes the loneliness much more noticeable. I am going out of town again for Christmas and I know this will lift my spirits, but I still feel a heaviness I can't shake. I'm hoping after I get through Christmas, this will ease.
There is some relief in realizing that I don't love the real him. This frees me up to move on. On the other hand, I have to accept that the person I did love, his representative, was a fake persona... a mirage. That's a hard blow since I put so much effort into the relationship and was ready to commit for life. The lack of closure is almost unbearable. It haunts me and puts a shadow on the holiday experience. I know that in order to heal, I must continue with no contact. Reaching out to him will undermine my healing and invite back all of the chaos I walked away from. It's not a real fix because he's not a real person. The mirage I once saw is just that, a hologram. Any interaction would be useless and counterproductive. I wish this had been a normal breakup so I could at least send a text on Christmas wishing him a happy holiday. I wish I felt some closure so that being alone on Christmas day didn't feel so awful. While I miss him less every day, I still miss what I thought we had.
To all of you out there during this holiday season who also feel deep loneliness, you are not alone. This is a joyful time for many but a hard time for some. Make an effort to get out of the house even when you don't feel like it. Focus on self care - eat a little bit more ice cream, read a book in bed, take a hot bath, treat yourself to a nice dinner or whatever else brings you comfort. I'm sure I'll feel better once Christmas is over. I have some fun New Years Eve plans with friends. I can celebrate making it through this time and starting over. A brand new year to make better decisions. 365 more opportunities to find peace and bring joy into my life. Merry Christmas to all of you. Hang in there, we got this.
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