My partner and I got back together just over a week ago and in that time, he has definitely put his money where his mouth is. We have had a couple of conflicts and a fight but each time, he didn't withdraw mentally or physically. He stayed present and remained 100% committed. This is huge. In the past, as soon as conflict showed up, he checked out. We have talked through things and worked it out.
When I first took him back, I wanted it to work but I still wasn't 100% committed like he was. In the past, it was the opposite. Full commitment was what I needed from him. I was holding back this time because there were some very serious issues with our relationship that I wasn't willing to deal with again. While I gave him a clean slate, I also kept in mind how things were to ensure that things would truly be different this time. I am blown away by the change I have seen in him. He shows me respect, he puts me first, he works towards a resolution and he is working on the issues he denied even existed in the past. I am so proud of everything he has done so far. This motivates me to also be a better partner.
Yesterday, we went on a hike in Sedona to see the man who hands out the heart-shaped rocks I referred to in my last post. Since he played a part in us reconciling, we wanted to share our story with him. It was magical. He climbs to the top of a rock formation at one of the vortexes on the trail and plays reiki through his flute. We were privileged to be at the vortex to hear him play. After that, he spoke to the group. His main message was that all of the answers we need are inside ourselves - we don't need anyone else or a religion or belief to define who we are. Each individual's uniqueness should be celebrated and embraced. We are not like anyone else and we should not try to be. We should not let anyone tell us how we show up in the world.
After sharing our story, his additional words of wisdom were profound. I felt as if he knew intuitively what challenges our relationship faced in the past. He told us that we must never let anyone come between us and our bliss. We must protect that against everyone including friends and family. His exact words of advice to someone who is trying to come between us was to say "We would really like you to be a part of our family, but if you keep doing that, you will not be a part of our family". This hit home big time because my partner does have a family member who is undermining our relationship and trying to prevent him from having any relationships outside of her. She has wanted him to remain a little boy his entire life. She wants him to live his life the way she dictates. I recognized this dysfunction before our breakup. It wasn't until after the breakup that my partner started to recognize it too. He is now taking steps to take control of his life, confront family members for their behavior and set boundaries.
We also went to a concert in the park on Friday and the lyrics to the performer's songs all spoke of a relationship with a higher power and making positive change to be a healthy person. One song specifically talked about changing. As I listened to the words, I held tight to my partner's hand. Another song talked about being a better man in a relationship. The combination of this concert and the meeting with the "shaman" in Sedona strengthened the bond between us and reinforced the importance of the inner work that is being done.
I fully understand the importance of both partners being equally committed - it was what I craved in the first version of our relationship. I decided yesterday that I was totally at peace with taking him back and had made the right decision. I informed him that I was now 100% committed as well. This will be a game changer because now both of us are working towards the same goal - being healthy individuals to create a healthy relationship.
The breakup was extremely painful. Up till a few days ago, I went with the statistics that it is impossible for a middle-aged man to change to the degree I needed my partner to change. He has defied those odds. We have both said over the past few days how this breakup had to happen in order for this relationship to have a rebirth into something better. I was the first person in his life to spot the dysfunction in his thinking and family dynamics. The day he walked out on me, I told him that leaving me was not going to fix the problem. That he would continue to go from one relationship to the other as he had done his entire life and he would be incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone if he did not address his issues. At first, he thought I was full of shit, but as time went by, he realized that I was right. I'm grateful that he's changing first for himself but I'm also grateful that he changed in time to save our relationship.
We both still have a lot of work to do. I have abandonment issues that have showed up this past week and I am working with my therapist to heal them. Both of us are going back in time and healing the wounded inner child. Once I'm able to heal her, I'll be free from abandonment and will stop attracting emotionally unavailable people in my life. The saying no pain, no gain certainly rings true in this situation. I wouldn't want to relive the past two months for anything, but now that I'm past them, I'm grateful that they turned out productive and were not a waste. My partner and I had a special bond before the breakup - what was lacking was the ability to both show up for each other in a healthy manner. Now, I feel our bond is unbreakable. We are building a foundation that will last a lifetime.
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