I decided to go out of town by myself for the Thanksgiving holiday. I spent the weekend in the Colorado mountains enjoying a riverside cabin and walks with my dog along the river in the snow, soaks in the hot springs, and indulging myself with dinners at high end restaurants. I sat for hours in the hot springs with no book and no phone. I rarely do a whole lot of nothing and it was good for me. I saw no reason to stay at home feeling sorry for myself when I had several days off work. I love traveling and meeting new people plus Colorado is home to me and my heart needed to go home.
The day after my last post and a few days before the trip, I made a disturbing discovery. My ex broke into my apartment. There is evidence but no proof since I didn't have cameras at the time. I first noticed that the screen in my front window wasn't exactly lined up and didn't think too much of it beyond an explanation as to why some flies got in. I subsequently found a security bar neatly lying on the window sill, the window open further than the security bar would allow and my suncatcher on the floor. At closer inspection, I noticed evidence in two places that the screen was likely pried open. Whether he got careless and left evidence behind or did it on purpose is up for debate but I'll bet money on the latter. I am certain that I did not move that bar. Since the bar was securely placed in the track, I also know it could not have been displaced by the suncatcher falling on its own. In addition, if it had been displaced, the bar would have been ajar and the window would not have changed its position. As well, there is no way that it was an attempted break in by someone my dog doesn't know because he would have bitten them and items near the window would have been disturbed. There is a narrow space in between the love seat and the window and my dog is over 100 pounds. There is also a table cloth by the door covering some boxes and the table cloth was completely undisturbed.
Whether he entered illegally looking for something or merely did it to scare me so I'd call him seeking protection really doesn't matter. What does matter is the psychological reason he did it and how creepy it is even if nothing appears to be missing. I feel violated. A sane person would never do such a thing. Ironically, it was also right around the time I blocked him. Did he attempt to text me or call and noticed all calls went directly to voicemail and figured it out? Was this retaliation or a scare tactic? I'll never know -- he would never admit to it. As well, there is no logic in why narcissists do what they do - their altered sense of reality means that they can either lie about something or convince themselves to forget it ever happened.
My trip gave me a lot of time to think about this new information. It really became clear to me that I don't want anything further to do with this person. All of his attempts to punish me or win me back are backfiring. His abusive silent treatment has turned me off and forever ruined his chances of even being a friend. Add on to that he broke the law and invaded my privacy which is a huge cause for alarm. While I have not thought him dangerous, the break in now has me questioning just how unhinged he may be. Will this be the end? Will the continued narcissistic injury of me not communicating with him be enough to get him to leave me alone? I hope this is the end of the psychologically disturbing behavior but narcissists rarely give up that easily. I have been on high alert and purchased cameras so if this happens again, I have evidence to take to the police. It's also got me questioning everything he told me about previous relationships. Were his sob stories true or made up? What really happened and who was the real victim? I suspect it wasn't him.
During the time when we were doing a gradual break and still hanging out, he started to demonstrate a lot of bizarre behavior. I found out today that he drove unsafely when he took my daughter to the airport a few weeks ago. He was driving at very high speeds on a curvy section of the highway and scared her to death. That really pissed me off because I had a discussion with him the day before about the importance of driving safely with such precious cargo in his car. This discussion occurred because he gave me a ride to work and was speeding up and almost rear ended a couple of cars, only slowing down when I said something to him. As well, just before making a left turn into my office parking lot, he went into the opposite lane into oncoming traffic. When I confronted him about it, he claimed there was a turning lane even though I knew there wasn't. Later in the day, I verified that no turning lane existed and asked him if he had used any drugs before picking me up. I clearly stated that I wouldn't allow him to take my daughter to the airport if he was under the influence or was going to drive unsafely. He put my precious daughter in harms way. What a selfish and manipulative thing to do.
It's scary to see how this one stayed under my radar for a year. It's disturbing how I missed so many red flags. What is more disturbing is the erratic behavior and monster he has become since I ended the relationship. I can never unsee what I now know to be true. I may be still mourning what I thought the relationship was, but I am not mourning the person I have discovered he is.
I still have a lot of emotions to process and must still accept a lot of ugly truths about my ex, but I feel lighter since I've been back from my trip. In the past week, I've even had two nights where I got some sleep which hasn't happened in weeks. I still struggle with the decision to go no contact but every day, I realize I made the right choice. As I continue to watch videos about narcissistic abuse, I can see so much of my previous relationship in the descriptions and skits. Some have even made me laugh because their behavior can be so absurd. When I went to Al Anon, they used to tell us one day at a time. This truly is where I'm at right now. One day at at time -- baby steps forward each day till the trauma bond is broken and I feel centered again.
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