June is PTSD awareness month. It's a mental health issue that is often misunderstood. When most hear the term, they envision a Vietnam vet who is unstable and a danger to society. This is an unfair stigma for both vets and anyone who suffers from PTSD. We are simply human beings who have suffered traumatic events that have created a mental health crisis in our life. Would you ostracize or look down on someone who lost a leg in a car accident? Probably not so why does society typically sympathize with physical injuries but demonize mental injuries? With hard work, it is possible to live a normal life. Instead of judging those who struggle, society really needs to show it's victims compassion and support. Victim blaming only serves to increase it's effect and isolates many.
As I've navigated my own journey with PTSD, I've come to realize that I will likely suffer from triggers and anxiety the rest of my life, but as I work through the trauma and heal core childhood wounds and experiences through my lifetime, I will experience fewer triggers. Many in the mental health community also misunderstand PTSD. They have book knowledge but not lived experience. I've been victim blamed and misunderstood and heard harmful statements such as "just get over it". It's not that simple, particularly when you have C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress syndrome). This is caused by many traumas that occurred over a long period of time. While I wasn't diagnosed with C-PTSD until after leaving an abusive marriage 11 years ago, I wonder how long before that it affected my life. I grew up with an abusive father and was neglected by my mom. My life was stressful and traumatic from day one. As a child, I was often highly emotional and depressed.
What is it like living with C-PTSD? Initially, I was in complete shut down - my nervous system was in what is called dorsal vagal. I cried all the time and had difficulty doing normal activities. As I started getting counseling and distracting myself with a spiritual practice and volunteering, I was able to start getting back to a regular routine and go back to work. I have seen several counselors/therapists - some good, some bad. The ones with lived experience in trauma or narcissistic abuse were the most helpful. With lots of hard work, self reflection, and multiple mistakes/learning experiences, I have finally reached a point where I have peace in my life in spite of the anxiety I suffer with. I still have some form of anxiety almost daily - my body has been in a constant state of fight or flight (sympathetic mode) for as long as I can remember. Relearning new behaviors and coping mechanisms have been difficult but worth the effort.
Some days I do great with minimal anxiety but some days, a small thing will set me off. I recently joined a local chamber of commerce and attended my first couple of events this week. I felt edgy and awkward and couldn't understand why since I'm normally comfortable in social situations. As I thought about the cause, I realized that I was having flashbacks to when I owned a business in 2013, just before my world came crashing down. I was having mild anxiety due to those memories surfacing. I had to be kind to myself and not worry about how I came across to others. I have to take it one day at a time and have compassion when an anxiety attack strikes. Luckily the more severe ones usually happen when I'm alone at home. If I feel my anxiety rising, I can usually remove myself and get home before the full blown attack erupts. When my anxiety peaks, I often pace the floor or lay face down crying, my heartrate and breathing increase, I feel a tightness in my chest and sometimes feel like my head is in a vice. I have difficulty re-regulating and often don't follow the advice I give to others. In those moments, I need a redirection. There is no talking myself out of it. If I'm with someone, the best way to calm me down is to just hug me until the worst of it passes. If I'm alone, taking a cold shower, holding an ice cube or drinking cold water sometimes works.
On the outside, I can appear normal so people have been surprised when I share that I suffer from C-PTSD. It's been a long road with a lot of hard work to get where I am. I consider it a victory that I have come so far. My success is due to a strong support system, good therapists, and my own personal determination and willingness to accept hard truths in order to heal. Since I felt abandoned by the mental health community and was unable to find a support group in my area, I started my own support group and a business offering one-on-one counseling sessions for other victims of narcissistic abuse. It's interesting that at times, I get just as much out of the groups and sessions as the attendees. They are often having the same challenges that I do and when I offer guidance to them, I am simultaneously giving that guidance to myself. Healing is a journey not a destination. I will always be a work in progress.
To those of you who also suffer from PTSD, I hear you, I see you, I understand you. To those who don't suffer from it, I invite you to find out more about it. Educate yourself so that you can understand it better and have the capacity for compassion for its victims. We have a huge mental health crisis in our society as a whole for many reasons. If our communities take a more active role in understanding this condition, this will go a long way in promoting healing in the victims.
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