Have you ever had someone push your boundaries or push you to the edge? When you reacted to that behavior, did the other person try to blame you for your reaction instead of taking ownership for their behavior? This is called reactive abuse.
This is a common tactic of a narcissist. They will abuse you in various ways - sometimes it's yelling, belittling, crossing a boundary, being controlling, etc. When you can't take it anymore and either snap or enforce a boundary, they immediately shift the blame to you. Often the person being abused is labeled as crazy for their reaction. The truth is you're not crazy, you're being manipulated. This type of abuse is another way to destroy your belief in yourself and make you question your own sanity. This is how narcissists and other types of dysfunctional people exert their control over you.
In my own life, experiencing reactive abuse broke down my barriers. My ex broke a bowl that a coworker had made for me in her pottery class. After the narc "accidentally" broke the bowl, I became angry especially since he was nonchalant about it and didn't act like he was sorry. The lack of remorse increased my anger and that is when my ex started to berate me. He accused me of overreacting because it was an accident and he said he was sorry. I hate to break it to you, but saying you're sorry and being sorry are two very different things. I had every right to be angry because deep down I knew he broke the bowl on purpose. He knew how much I liked it and cherished the thought that my coworker put so much personal effort into it.
Recently, I found out that someone I knew was kicked out of a bar for no reason. The bouncer is an abusive person and has been given a position of power. He has decided that he doesn't like a certain group of friends and has been abusing his power and denying them entrance with vague accusations. I confronted the police officer who escorted my friend out and was really disappointed in his reaction. I tried to explain to him that my friend was angry and yelling due to reactive abuse. She was being treated unfairly and was defending herself. He held his ground that my friend was in the wrong and not the bouncer. I have great respect for our police officers but was deeply disappointed that he is not trauma informed.
These examples demonstrate why it is so important that our society as a whole become more trauma informed, particularly first responders who often deal with people in crisis. As well, as individuals, it is important to educate ourselves on manipulation tactics so that we are less likely to become prey to their abuse. When we combine education on manipulation with personal growth and empowerment, we will see through the tactics of reactive abuse quicker. We will honor our own feelings and hold the other person accountable for their behavior instead of letting them off the hook and blaming ourselves.
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