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Reclaiming Safety & Power After Sexual Abuse: Forgiving Myself, Not My Abusers

There’s a question that so many survivors get asked: “Will you forgive them?” For me, the answer is simple — and not simple at all.


No. I will not forgive my mother for throwing me to the wolves. I will not forgive my ex-husband for standing by while I was harmed. I will not forgive my father for the ways he violated me.


But what I will do is this: I forgive myself.


Choosing Self-Forgiveness Over Carrying Their Shame


For too long, I carried the shame that belonged to my abusers. The blame, the anger turned inward — for what I did or didn’t do, for the moments I stayed silent, for how I reacted, for the parts of me that went numb just to survive.


But what happened was never my fault. And it’s not yours either.


Forgiveness, real forgiveness, starts inside. It’s letting go of the backpack full of their guilt and their actions that we’ve been taught to carry for them. It’s setting it down, piece by piece, so it no longer drives how we feel about ourselves or how we move forward in life.


Healing When Betrayal Runs Deep


Sexual abuse isn’t just a violation of the body — it’s a betrayal of trust. Especially when it comes from those we know — the father figure, the family member, the partner who was supposed to protect us.


And when we finally find the courage to speak out, so often we’re met with more betrayal. People look away. They call us liars. They blame us for what we wore, how we looked, what we didn’t say.


Each rejection cuts deeper, compounding the original wound.

But we don’t have to keep those wounds open forever. Healing is possible — if we’re willing to face what’s there, feel it, and release it.


Familiar Isn’t the Same as Safe


One of my biggest lessons has been this: What’s familiar isn’t always safe.


Unresolved trauma creates patterns. It tricks us into repeating what we know, even when it hurts us. For me, for so long, sex was how I equated love, validation, and attention — even when it was unhealthy. It felt familiar, so I mistook it for love.


Breaking that cycle means paying attention to my body — the gut feelings, the tension, the signals that something isn’t right. It means setting boundaries, calling out disrespect in the moment, and learning that I am worth more than the scraps I used to accept.


Speaking Truth Even When It Makes Others Uncomfortable


It took me decades to say these truths out loud. Family members might tell me to keep quiet — that I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead or air our dirty laundry.


But that silence is exactly how abuse continues. So I'm saying it now, and I’ll keep saying it: You do not have to protect your abuser’s reputation at the expense of your own healing.


You Deserve Your Own Forgiveness


If you’re on this road, I want you to know: you do not owe forgiveness to the people who harmed you. But you do owe it to yourself to stop carrying their shame.

Healing won’t be linear. Some days you’ll speak up in the moment; other days you’ll freeze. It doesn’t make you weak — it makes you human.


This is the next big layer for me, and maybe it’s yours too. If no one has told you today: You deserved better. You didn’t ask for this. And you can heal.


Your Power, Your Story


Maybe your healing looks like speaking out publicly. Maybe it’s writing a letter you never send, then burning it. Maybe it’s sitting with your body and your breath until the tension softens.


Whatever it looks like for you — just know you’re not alone. You have the power to reclaim your body, your boundaries, and your truth.

I’m doing it too. One layer at a time.


If you’re ready to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners and break old patterns, check out my 90-Day Reinvention program. You can book a free session to see what’s really running the show — and how to change it for good.


You have the power. Always.



 
 
 

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