You Have No Power Over Me

It was a matter of time... after no contact with my ex for three months, I ran into him last night. Luckily I had time to mentally prepare for it since I found out a few days in advance that he was attending an event I was also going to. I immediately started searching for advice on how to handle it. After the venomous behavior he displayed the last couple of times I talked to him, the door to my heart had forever closed. Then, after breaking into my apartment just before the holidays, I locked that door and threw away the key. After what he did, I owed him nothing - no hellos, smiles, niceties, small talk, or grey rocking.

I knew I didn't love him or want him anymore. I had realized the person I thought I loved was his representative and not who he really is. I have no interest in ever speaking to him again. I know what a toxic person he is under that nice guy persona he puts on in public. I saw the monster that he really is in those last conversations and I can never unsee that. His mask fell off and the truth was revealed. A couple of days before the event, I had a dream I ran into him somewhere else and I felt completely indifferent to him. That dream turned out to be prophetic.

My anxiety was mostly based on a fear that he would attempt to save face in public and try to engage me in conversation or give me a hug. If that happened, I would have to shut it down immediately. His behavior would have nothing to do with wanting to be cordial and everything to do with looking good to our mutual friends. I no longer wanted any roles in his movie in fantasyland. I realized that our entire relationship was nothing more than a movie and he was the main character, not a real person. I am done participating in his charade. As well, narcissists will often try to entice you into a discussion or argument to manipulate you. There was nothing to be gained by discussing anything. The only words that I gave myself permission to say as I moved away from him were no, access denied, and I'm not your friend. I knew my outright rejection would create a narcissistic injury. He has a thin skin so I'm sure that injury would insure he'd leave me alone.

During the short drive there, I kept telling myself that I got this, I'm a badass and worth far more than he ever gave me credit for. I deserve love and a healthy relationship. I don't deserve abuse and manipulation. I owe him nothing. I will focus on acting how I always do, walking in with a smile and making my rounds to hug friends. When I pulled into the parking lot, I saw his car and knew he had arrived before me. I took one final deep breath and walked into the bar.

I immediately scanned the room so I knew which area to avoid. I saw him at the bar ordering a drink so I headed for a table of friends to do my usual greeting and hugs and acted like I never saw him. When the coast was clear, I got my own drink and proceeded to find a seat away from him. Initially my anxiety shot up because I was deeply concerned he would try to talk to me but after a few minutes the anxiety subsided. Shortly after that, two other friends arrived and I was enjoying their company. I surrounded myself with my friends like a security blanket and it was very comforting.

The band was terrific and I had a great time dancing with my friends. My ex never approached me which was a huge relief. At one point, he did start dancing with a woman right beside where I was. I'm sure it was a tactic to try to make me jealous. When we first broke up, I mentioned that it would be heartbreaking the first time I saw him with another woman. I'm sure he remembered that conversation and was trying to play to my heart strings. Too bad for him it didn't work. I noticed it but it didn't bother me at all. What he didn't know is that I felt nothing for him - no tug at the heartstrings, no longing, no desire. The only thing that I did feel was disgust. His body language and energy spoke of desperation and a victim mentality. I remember feeling that heavy oppressive energy when I was in his presence during our relationship but ignored it. Instead of being physically attracted to him like in the past, I was completely turned off. I couldn't get the image out of my head of the last time I saw him. I had called him out on some bad behavior and he didn't take it well. I told him that I hoped that someday he would understand what I was trying to tell him. He responded that he never would. I couldn't get that rageful facial expression he had out of my mind.

Before I went I made the decision that I would not participate in drama and would simply walk away. The anticipation of that drama was stressful. I also made a decision that I would have a good time no matter what he did. I pretended the entire night that I didn't see him and never made eye contact. While that was uncomfortable, I am grateful that the evening was drama free. I refuse to hide in my house. We live in a small town and have the same circle of friends so I will run into him again at some point. When I do, it will be less stressful. The feelings I had for him are gone. I hope that my silence last night sent a loud message that I do not want any contact. I hope that future encounters go as smoothly as this one but if he does get stupid, I'll have to draw a hard line in the sand. I am done with him. He has lost all rights of access to me. My back is turned to him and I am looking ahead to the future. That future is bright and beautiful like a mountain pass on a hiking trail. News flash - you have no power over me.