The past couple of weeks have been difficult on an emotional level. I decided to end the relationship I was in on Monday. We only dated for a few weeks but it became clear that I wasn't going to get the things I needed in a relationship with this person.
We were on different pages about the level of long-term commitment we were seeking. While I wanted to take it slow and not make lifetime commitments out of the gate, I also wanted to get a sense of what he was looking for long term in the early stages. When I asked about it, I got pushback and defensiveness. I was starting to have deep concerns that this was a situationship and not a joint journey to a possible long-term goal. I was investing a lot in him from an emotional connection standpoint and I didn't feel he was reciprocating. There were some really good things about him that I liked a great deal - great sense of humor, chivalrous, kind, affectionate and shared interests. There were also things about him that gave me pause - lack of emotional availability, defensiveness, preferring texts over phone calls, low energy/depression and extreme introversion.
Some of these traits conflicted with my personality and the type of person I wanted to date. I'm very ambitious and outgoing. I have a full social life and great friends. I was willing to compromise and go out less to accommodate his personality but I started to feel like I was giving up my lifestyle. I wanted a shared life not two separate ones. The low energy and depression that showed up was also draining me. I found myself getting triggered a lot. Some of those triggers were my own insecurities and I need to work on those but I realized that the lack of consistency and not knowing where I stood with him was magnifying everything. I was in quicksand and he didn't give me a foundation to stand on.
I decided I need to find someone who is a package deal - not perfect - but someone who can meet most of my needs with some compromise. I need someone who is emotionally available and has a direction with goals in his love life that match mine. I deserve someone who will love me so much he wouldn't dream of losing me.
I signed up for a membership to take multiple courses on dating advice. This is not just from the perspective of getting the guy but from the perspective of healing your past wounds so you show up better and choose better. I've been feeling like my cup has been empty and these courses are filling the cup again. My biggest takeaways from the Q&A I watched yesterday were: 1) only commit to someone who matches your values, vision and lifestyle and 2) the biggest failure is winning at the wrong game.
While I got hurt, I'm still willing to put myself back out there. You can't win if you don't play. I learned so much about myself during these past few weeks and I'm grateful to him for playing a part in my healing journey. I have so much more clarity about what I want and what I don't want. My love for myself is greater than my love for him. My commitment to myself comes first and anything that gets in the way of my personal growth cannot be in my life. Some people come for a season and some for a lifetime. Either way, there are valuable lessons to learn within those timeframes.
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