The past couple of months have been busy and full of change - some good and some bad. I moved a few days after my last post and a lot of time has been spent getting settled in my new home and replacing the furniture I sold last year. I also got a new job which means I've spent these last few weeks getting an insurance license and learning the ins and outs of both the insurance industry and my new employer. As well, my partner and I have moved back in together. These are all good changes but they have also brought with them stress that has been difficult to deal with.
The bad changes or developments have been that my triggers have magnified while my partner faces his own demons which has meant there has been a great deal of conflict while we navigate round two in our relationship. It's been difficult since both of us are facing challenging situations in our personal lives - it's often difficult to maintain my equilibrium while showing support for another person and I'm sure he feels the same. I also had to walk away from an important friendship that had turned unhealthy. In addition, I had to stop seeing my therapist which was due both to loss of insurance but more significantly, I began to see she wasn't a good fit. She spoke harshly to me at times and I could tell that she didn't have lived experience in narcissistic abuse and C-PTSD. It's not the first time I've been victim blamed or not fully supported by a therapist. These situations certainly poked the abandonment issues that I have from my past.
I do attend an online support group but I have been craving in-person support. As humans, we crave personal interaction and that need is not being met during the personal growth experiences. I've been feeling very alone and isolated lately. I have many acquaintances and friends I hang out with for fun, but I don't feel that I have any close friends that I can regularly confide in and lean on for the amount of support that I need. I have been looking for local support groups for narcissistic abuse and have not found any. There are plenty for grief or substance abuse, but it seems that those of us with C-PTSD are shit out of luck. Narcissistic abuse truly is a different animal and requires lived experience for your support system to truly understand why the recovery is so long and like riding a roller coaster. It's been 10 years since I left my ex-husband and I still suffer a lot of trauma from that relationship. The neglect and abuse I suffered as a child contributed to the reason I let a manipulative and toxic person into my life, but I feel that the 10 years I was with him did far more psychological damage than the years I spent with my parents. I have a lot repressed memories and some are surfacing again, as periodically happens over the years. What has made this time more difficult is that I also have a long history of sexual trauma which is really coming up for me. I feel that I have had the biggest set back so far since I started my recovery journey 10 years ago. A startling revelation also just hit me as I write this... it's July 23... it was 10 years ago today that my life took a terrible turn. That was the day my ex asked for a divorce which utterly destroyed me. This is the event that preceded my mental breakdown and realization that I had been abused and married to a psychopath/narcissist.
At times, I feels so overwhelmed with fear that I'll never be able to function normally again. While I know that this abuse has forever changed me and I'll never be the person I was, I still want to be able to reach a place where I am able to move through this enough that I won't feel on the edge all the time and afraid of what triggers will show up today. I want some semblance of consistency, normalcy and balance. It's difficult to find that when resources are scarce and people often walk out or give up on me because I'm "too much". They can't understand why I can't just simply move on and get over it. Abuse from a narcissist is difficult to overcome because it's a form of brainwashing and the brain needs to be reprogrammed. While trying to do this, evil lurks in every corner... like peeling an onion... having a flashback of a forgotten memory brings back all of the trauma and just when you think that you've overcome that trauma, another memory or flashback shows up and throws you right back in the never ending cycle. There is often a feeling of hopelessness.
I wish that I had better and more positive things to share, but I just don't. I'm going through a really rough time and I don't know when the end will be. I am hoping it's a situation of it being darkest before dawn... maybe I'm on the edge of a breakthrough. In the meantime, I'm struggling to hold on. Every day feels like a huge weight and chore. I feel overwhelmed and defeated. I feel it is important to acknowledge my feelings even if they are negative. Brushing them under the rug only makes them worse and they seem to come out at the worst possible time. Denying them won't make them go away. I will continue to look for a counselor but I'm afraid it won't be someone local and in person and I'll have to settle for an online environment. This is frustrating as well but may be the only option. I refuse to see a therapist or counselor, even if it is in person, who will do more damage than good. This is a waste of time and effort. I'm deeply hurt and saddened that a friendship ended, but I refuse to allow people in my life who don't respect me and don't put in the same effort that I do. I would rather be alone than settle for less than I deserve.
I suppose this is part of the blog when society says I should end on a positive note, but I'm feeling it's more important to be vulnerable and honest. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm sure there are others who feel the same way but keep these feelings to themselves to avoid being judged by others. I say fuck the naysayers -- if you haven't walked in my shoes, you have no right to tell me how I should feel. Better days are probably ahead but for right now, I just can't see them.
Comentarios