I just started reading a book this week that is really speaking to me -- it's called Single on Purpose by John Kim. The timing is impeccable because I just bought it on Monday and it is so relevant to what I'm experiencing this week. The book is not just about loving yourself but also coming back to yourself. What brings you joy? What connects you to your body? What changes can you make to bring more meaning to your day? How can you do self care? How can you get back to your truth?
While in Colorado, I had a strong desire to move back. I've been gone for 10 years and have avoided the state because I knew this would happen. I left 10 years ago against my will because I was being stalked by my ex-husband. I left for my personal and mental safety. I've been running ever since... living in three states in ten years. I love where I live now but it's still not home. It doesn't bring me the sense of belonging and peace that I felt both when I lived in Colorado and that I experienced this past weekend. I find Coloradoans to be relaxed and kind. It eases my soul and I feel relaxed when I'm there.
By the middle of my first day back at work I was stressed. Today, I lost my shit with a client and got into a pissing match. Granted, I got triggered and it interfered with my professionalism but this customer was rude and demanding out of the gate. She was acting like a bully. I take ownership of my behavior but why is no one asking her to take ownership of hers? I work in a town where a lot of rich people live and their sense of entitlement is at times abusive but at the very least makes me weary. I've been at this job six months and it's been getting in the way of my peace. I've been trying to stick it out because I've job hopped quite a bit over the past 20 years, feeling lost and unfulfilled. The employment opportunities where I live are scarce and the pay is often low. After the calm and peace I felt over the weekend, I don't think I have it in me anymore to stay long term at this job. It's sad because my employer is very compassionate and a very good person to work for but a lot of the clientele are difficult and rude. I no longer want to deal with this on a daily basis. I left Washington, DC almost 20 years ago to get away from this type of behavior. I want a peaceful job that brings me satisfaction and is in line with my passions.
I fought tears all afternoon, both because I was embarrassed I let my boss down and I realized I'm in the wrong line of work. I've been drifting from job to job for so long, my resume is a mile long. Society says I'm irresponsible and unreliable. I say I've been going through frequent changes over the past 20 years, which started when I was with my first narc and haven't found my footing. Also in middle age, I quite frankly don't want to work anymore. I want freedom and flexibility. Unfortunately, I'm not in a financial position to retire but an online job could afford me more flexibility with my time on a daily basis and the ability to earn an income no matter where I live. I do want to move back to Colorado. I'm sick of my ex getting in the way of my happiness. He scared me off for good reasons but it's time to take charge of my life and go where I'm drawn. I will avoid the general area he lives. It's a big state and there are plenty of small towns to choose from, it's just a matter of where I'm supposed to end up. I feel like my purpose is there.
I'm tired of running from my dreams. I'm tired of working jobs just to make a living - I want to make a life. I'm tired of frequently changing directions -- I want to focus on what is important to me not what is important to others. I'm tired of others getting in the way of what I want. I'm tired of bullies and manipulation. I'm tired of being triggered. I'm just tired.
I've decided to create a vision board and put pictures on it of what I want. Colorado scenery, money, a thriving counseling business, contentment, etc. I did start looking at demographics and income/cost of living stats today for some cities. I have a few in mind but I'll leave those options open to see where I end up. I want to give more thought to what I'm not doing that brings me joy. I'm already hiking, enjoying dancing and live music with friends and been traveling a little. I miss singing in a band and riding a motorcycle. I have been pursuing my music off and on while here but let myself get distracted during my last relationship. I made a commitment before the holiday to a musician friend that I will memorize one song a week to help make my performances stronger and more professional. I've also been reading more since my ex left.
I don't know how long it will be till I move back to Colorado or how long it will take to find a job that works for me, but I'll do something each day to move forward towards that goal. I need something to focus on to both get back in touch with myself and to heal the trauma bond. I need something to look forward to instead of thinking about all that I've lost. I need peace and stability. I need to follow my dreams.
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