I did a long hike yesterday and being in nature soothed me for a while. I started to feel sad again this evening while watching a film about Neil Young with friends. Something about his music and lyrics made me start thinking about my breakup. The breakup and absence of the man I love is hard enough to bear but the suddenness of his discard afterwards is what hurts the most. I was dropped like a hot potato.
Both of us said we wanted it to be amicable and remain friends. This is often hard to do and I knew in the long run, it would be best to move on. He was the first to say that he wanted to stay in touch. He was also the first to say he didn't want to interact with me anymore. In just 24 hours, we went from having sex and hanging out to him walking away because I confronted him about an unhealthy behavior. I think his discard and silent treatment go deeper than my words, it's what was behind them. During the relationship, he rarely took ownership for his behavior so this wasn't anything new. What was new was the intensity of his anger. What was also new was that he no longer had power over me. In the past, I would be worried that he was mad at me, but I no longer cared. I had to speak the truth regardless of how it would be received. I believe that his realization that he was losing control of me was why he reacted so strongly. In those moments, he became someone I didn't know.
When he initially said that the gradual separation wasn't working, I agreed. I also agreed we should cancel our future plans to hang out. What I wasn't expecting was that he would completely cut me off and not talk to me at all. He pushed me away so hard that night I no longer wanted to try to remain friends. I was very angry the next night when he texted me a heart, trying to suck me back in. I was tired of the hot and cold behavior and could no longer put up with it. He reached out a couple of days later wanting to make amends but instead told me how wrong I was to say he had been immature. I was tired of being blamed for his bad behavior. I did tell him that he had not earned the privilege of my time and could no longer be in my life. In the past, he would continue to hoover and attempt to love bomb. This is the first time that he has gone completely silent.
I feel like he's lashing out because he has no power over me. I also feel he is waiting for me to come back crying and invite him back into my life - the old push-pull tactic. This will sound counterintuitive because I did say he couldn't be in my life, but his silence is difficult to deal with. I feel forgotten and like I never mattered to him. I was just someone to control and manipulate. He is not interested in truly making amends. The real kind of amends when you sincerely apologize and ask what you can do to earn the privilege of someone's time. Instead, he's completely rejected any notion that I might have had a point about him sabotaging his life. He's using it as the catalyst to project his shame on me and justify his silent treatment. This cuts me very deep.
He knows that my mother used silent treatment as a form of abuse in my childhood. He knows how this drives me crazy. I have a lot of work to do on myself including my own abandonment issues. As I was driving home, I told myself that in the immediate future, my work is to not contact him. There is a part of me that wants to hear that he misses me and regrets destroying the relationship. Even if he did say that and actually meant it, it wouldn't change anything. I can't take him back a third time. He's fucked up twice and shown me what he is not capable of being - a healthy mature man. What purpose would it serve to see him or talk to him? It would only rip my heart out - the one that is broken and needs healing. Realistically, if I did hear those words from him, he would be coming from a place of desperation, wanting the old supply back, and selfishness to meet his own needs. My work is to not give in, to not invite a temporary reprieve from my pain that will only prolong it and make it harder to resist next time.
The pain of him being gone is increasing everyday. I know eventually it will plateau and then start to taper off. It's mentally draining to fight the urge every evening not to reach out and not compromise my own integrity. I need to remember that his behavior is toxic and manipulative. I don't need manipulative people in my life. I need healthy people who have my best interest in mind. People who will respect me for who I am, including my flaws. I need to seek validation from myself, not him. I need to stand in my truth which is losing a person that is toxic is actually not a loss. Toxicity has no place in my life and walking away from someone like that is called freedom. I am free to be me and love myself. I am free to choose who I allow in my life. I am free to walk way from anyone who gets in the way of my peace. I am free to go through this painful process so that the healing can begin.
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