The past week has been difficult because I miss my ex. I miss the things I liked about him and the good times that we did have - his kisses, beautiful smile, handsome looks, great trips and adventures we took, conversation with someone when I get home, etc. I don't want to miss him since the end went so bad and he became someone I didn't know. I had seen evidence of venomous anger throughout the relationship but nothing like the rage he displayed when he cut me off. It makes me wonder if I really knew him at all and why I would miss someone who was so toxic for me. There is a huge void and I feel like I'm carrying a heavy weight all the time that I can't seem to offload.
The last time we split, the 2-3 week period seemed to be when the pain got the worst. My pattern in the past was to give in to it and reach out. It's been about 10 days since our last conversation so I'm approaching that threshold, but I will not be doing that this time. I'm sure in the back of his mind he's thinking that I'll be back, I always give in and he's waiting me out. Immediately after the breakup, I was definitely confused and sending missed signals but that changed rapidly when he became enraged after I confronted him about his immature and irresponsible behavior. In those moments of calm as I watched him become more agitated, I realized that I had seen this type of behavior before in others. The lack of accountability, the how dare you say that attitude, the blame and deflection... I knew that I was witnessing narcissistic rage and that I was likely dealing with a narcissist. That moment of clarity forever shut the door to my heart to allow him to be in my life anymore. All of the hopes that we could remain friends and possibly support each other in some way vanished.
I am still struggling with accepting that I got involved with a narcissist. I am still struggling with being in love with him. I am struggling with the loneliness and emptiness that each evening brings. I am struggling with the anger and betrayal of his last words to me. I am struggling with the hard truth that he tricked me yet blames me for no longer accepting his trickery. I am struggling with having to start over. I am struggling with the stress of the financial concerns of going back to a one-income household. While I'm grateful he hasn't broke no contact, it also makes me feel forgotten and unimportant. I am deeply disappointed that he didn't fight for me and the relationship. I am angry that his delusions and dysfunction had more power over him than my love did. Just like the drink in the glass had more power over my alcoholic ex-husband.
While I am honoring my feelings, I am also trying to be realistic about how stressful the relationship was. My body told the real truth when the day after I broke up with him, my chronic pain decreased substantially. I saw a great video earlier that advised that in those moments when we miss our toxic ex, that we write down the negative aspects or things we don't miss about him. This is the reality check. What we really miss is our own illusion of what we thought the relationship was and who we thought the person was as well. I've been watching a lot of reels about narcissistic abuse to remind myself of how it really was instead of how my heart is trying to remember it. It's hard to accept that someone we love is toxic and broken beyond repair but in order to heal, this is a must. My desire for my ex is still there but the confusion of whether he should be in my life isn't. I know this pain is temporary and I must sit through it and process it. I must be uncomfortable for a while. The weight I am carrying is heavy but deluding myself will mean I'll never get rid of it. Truth is difficult but I'd rather invest my time and energy into being a healthy person than supporting a lie and living in a fantasy.
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