The next topic for the support group I run is narcissistic rage. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this shocking behavior, you know how quickly it can show up and how confusing it is. When a narcissists feels threatened or has experienced a narcissistic injury, their guard can come down. The result is the mask falls off and their true self comes through in the form of narcissistic rage. It is an intense anger that can range from verbal abuse to physical violence. It can erupt suddenly with no warning which is upsetting and frightening to the target of the rage.
During or after the rage episode, the narcissist will say things like if you hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that. In true narc fashion, they never take accountability for their own behavior. In their delusional world, there is no reason to since you are the problem, not them. In their mind, you are responsible for their shortcomings or you are not fitting into the mold they have created for you. It is essentially an adult child throwing a temper tantrum for not getting what they want.
When I think of my own experiences with this behavior, there has always been an element of blame. One of my exes threw a computer on the floor and damaged it during an argument. His comeback was if you hadn't made me angry, I wouldn't have had to throw the computer. During my last relationship, I frequently experienced what I called venomous anger. His response when I brought it up was that my opinion wasn't valid because I was the only person who had ever said that to him. When I asked for things I needed and deserved - respect, accountability and truthfulness - I was accused of being controlling. He claimed it was my fault he reacted that way because I said something he didn't like.
As I was trying to extricate myself from this toxic ex, it took a final display of narcissistic rage for me to finally see things for what they were. He was talking about going on a long trip to "find himself" without getting permission from his job for time off. He was willing to risk getting fired because he didn't want to be accountable for being back to work by a certain date. When I called him out for acting irresponsible and like a teenager, the mask immediately fell off and the narcissistic rage ensued. I was accused of insulting him and dragging him through the dirt. He claimed I only said that to make him angry so he would end the situationship we found ourselves in. There was no mention of personal accountability or a discussion to further explore why I felt that way. Only that I was wrong and should recant my statement. It was in that moment that I became crystal clear about who and what he was - a narcissist. Since I had seen behavior like this before in other narcs, I immediately picked up on it. That's when the gauntlet was thrown and I knew I had to cut my ties with him once and for all.
In addition to the narcissist losing control, narcissistic rage can also be used as a manipulation tactic. Some victims would do anything to avoid it thus giving the narc what they want. All of us blow our temper sometimes and say or do things we regret later. When a narc loses it, there are no authentic apologies or accountability after the fact. There is only blame and the implication that if you don't do what they want, they'll rage on you again. It keeps the victim walking on eggshells.
Once the boundary of narcissistic rage has been crossed, the only guarantee is that the behavior will become more frequent. Many times, it leads to violence. If you are in a relationship with someone and you have observed this behavior, get out. No matter how much we want to see the good in other people, there is no good in a narcissist. They have now shown you the evil monster that they are. I do not believe that a narcissist can be rehabilitated. It has been scientifically shown that their brains are wired differently and the part of the brain that is capable of compassion and self regulation did not develop. They do not have the capacity for change. Love yourself enough to preserve your peace and remove yourself from their abusive behavior.
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