Today I got triggered. I went to a fundraiser at a local American Legion (AL) with the expectation of having a good time with current friends and meeting new ones as well. I've avoided ALs like the plague because my ex was a prominent leader in our local branch and was being groomed for regional and national leadership. Even though I'm in a different state, the AL world can be very small. I have always feared that somehow we may cross paths or run into a mutual acquaintance at an AL. I left my previous state nine years ago fearful for my safety because my abusive ex was stalking me and infiltrated every new aspect of my life that I had tried to build after our split. It's been 10 years since I've been to an AL and do have some good memories there which is why I thought I'd be okay. I was mistaken.
I'm normally very outgoing and social but today, I sat at a table by myself and didn't mingle much. Normally I'm tearing up the dance floor but only danced once when a friend asked me to join her. I originally planned on spending the whole afternoon there but after two hours, I felt so miserable I knew it was time to go. My anxiety normally shows up as a panic attack that includes raised heartrate, sweating, racing thoughts and a tight chest. Today, the anxiety came on strong more like a heavy weight or depression. I did have some things on my mind this morning but hoped to forget about them for a while at the event.
I think seeing the familiar logos and symbols as well as the familiar atmosphere brought on this unexpected negative reaction. I stayed in the event hall and avoided the bar area because there was a deep fear that Murphy's Law would come into play and he would just happen to be visiting. Since he's an alcoholic, the most likely place he would be is the bar. To someone who has never been stalked this may seem like an irrational fear but this act of intimidation fucks with your head. The entire goal of a narcissist is to do a total mind fuck. Stalking has a violent aspect because the threat of harm is very real. I've moved to multiple states since I left my ex and have pretty much stopped looking over my shoulder, but today it all came back.
I've often thought about what I would do if I did see him. The best approach (if I can hide my shock and fear) is to act like I don't know who he is. This type of narcissistic injury is very painful to someone with psychopathy. The truth is I don't know who he is and never did. Our entire 10-year relationship and marriage was based on lies and deception. Like an actor, he played a part to fool me into believing he loved me.
Normally being around people energizes me but today, I felt a strong urge to get back in bed and just cry the rest of the day. I felt alone in a room of people. While I have a lot of casual friends, I feel alone in the aspect that I don't have a close friend who I feel comfortable confiding in on a regular basis. The weight I do carry, I often feel I carry alone; in particular, the weight of my current relationship and the challenges that we are facing. I don't want some Pollyanna telling me to brush it under the rug and be positive. I want to process this pain so it can move on but I don't feel I have enough support to do that. I do attend an online support group for narcissistic abuse, but sharing 10 minutes a week with folks on a computer screen just isn't cutting it. I need local support and in-person conversations over coffee or a drink. I have searched multiple times and the small town I live in does not offer narcissistic abuse groups that I can attend in person. I feel society has let us down. There are groups for grief support or substance abuse recovery but the survivors of narcissistic abuse are left in the cold. No wonder so many of us are depressed or take our lives. I feel we have been forgotten.
In another state, I facilitated a narcissistic abuse group. Maybe it's time to start another one where I am now. I know there are others out there like me. I'm sure they feel just as lost and hopeless at times like I do in this moment. Maybe it's time to take the reins and create what I seek. Louise Hayes talks about healing thyself by healing others. I'm still very much a work in progress and have not overcome many of my demons but I do have 10 years of experience trying to do just that. Maybe I'm on to something... maybe it's time to pull the trigger.
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