Last week, I talked about the blessing of clarity. At that time, everything I stated in that moment was true about the reality of the relationship. I told myself I had to move on no matter how much I loved him because the relationship was unhealthy. I even started communicating with another guy I had liked before this relationship and we had started hanging out to get to know each other. I wanted my heart to let go and my hope was that working on getting to know someone else would help me move on. After my divorce in 2019, I was single for two years before I even considered dating. I figured this relationship was only six months, so a few weeks was probably enough time. Even after waiting two years before, the first time I kissed a guy, I cried the whole way home. No matter how long or short I waited, the pain of moving on would hit me.
A series of events occurred during the week that ended up with a totally unexpected outcome, the least likely one in fact. First, hanging out with another man had the opposite effect. I stopped being mad and started missing my ex terribly. As well, my triggers about being possibly stalked were put to rest and after a heart to heart with a friend who also knew him, we came to the conclusion that he wasn't dangerous, just trying to get me back. I was still upset that he wouldn't leave me alone to heal, but at least I was safe.
I was struggling with maintaining no contact and sought out support at my online support group. However, the next day, I dialed that phone. Something in me wanted to see him even though I was thinking I shouldn't. I needed to give him my share of the rent for the remaining time I was staying in his rv lot. I could have left it somewhere, but something drove me to see him. We ended up having a 3-hour conversation.
During that conversation, he presented a gift. Initially, I was uncomfortable but when he showed me what it was and shared the back story, I decided I was comfortable accepting it. In Sedona, there is a famous guy, somewhat of a modern folklore, who hangs out at the vortex on Boynton Canyon trail. I met him last summer and he is such a grounded, loving, smart person. He is famous for playing his flute and handing out heart-shaped rocks. I received one from him before proceeding to the vortex. I then meditated and asked the Universe for a job and stated what I wanted in a relationship. Within three weeks, I started a new job and started dating my ex. My ex ran into this gentleman as well two weeks ago and asked him what he could do for a broken relationship. The gentleman gave my ex a rock for himself and then gave him a second rock to give to me. He suggested sending love to open up the hearts. When my ex shared this story, I felt it held some weight from a metaphysical perspective.
In spite of that, I still felt that there would be no change in the relationship - love does not conquer all. I was very honest about how badly he triggered me when I thought he might be stalking me. I shared how I never wanted to feel like that again. My ex made claims that it would be different and that he now knew he had made a mistake. He pleaded and cried. It was hard to say no to a grown man crying and obviously in pain, but I didn't feel that he had the ability or strength to change. I tried as gently as I could to tell him that he wasn't far enough along in his healing journey to be able to earn the right to be in my life. It was gut wrenching but I held my ground.
The next day, I went on a kayaking trip for work and realized that I was on the same section of river that my ex and I had kayaked just a few months before. We also got off the river at the same place. I had to sit on the water for about 20 minutes while the kayaking company got organized. During that time, I started thinking a lot about how much I missed the fun things we did. We are both very outdoorsy and did several trips including a week in Utah after Christmas. I started to think about my conversation the evening before. One of things my ex said may have had some validity. He stated I was setting too high a bar for when I viewed him as being healed enough to be capable of a healthy relationship. I was also a work in progress so did that mean I couldn't also continue to work on myself and be in a healthy relationship?
For a reason I couldn't explain, I felt a sense of urgency to call him and see if he was available to talk for a couple of minutes. I wanted to thank him for being so vulnerable and propose maybe we could be just friends. I wasn't sure if I was capable of this, but now instead of wanting him to leave me alone, I couldn't bear the thought of him not being in my life at all. I had seen progress even if I felt it wasn't enough to warrant a relationship. Maybe I could support him as a friend since I was very proud of the progress he had made.
We ended up talking for about 90 minutes. He had proposed the night before that I not date anyone and save myself while he continued to work on his challenges. I had told him that I would not be in his waiting room. When I proposed that we be just friends, he declined because he wasn't capable of being my friend and also did not want to be in my waiting room. I understood and respected his position. We continued to talk because I was still very confused. I didn't understand how two weeks ago I wanted him to stay away and now I wanted him back in my life. When I had given him another chance a few weeks before, I had written a letter outlining conditions that needed met in order to get back together. I started asking very direct questions based on that list about how the relationship would be different this time. To my surprise, he said that he would be committed 100%. This was definitely new since he wouldn't commit before. I asked more questions about what that looked like. I felt he gave me very honest and promising answers. He was doing his work. He was starting to realize that the dysfunction I noticed in his family did exist. He promised that I would be his first priority and that he would face his fear of conflict. When a disagreement arose, we would work it out. He absolutely would not leave.
I was terrified to give him another chance. I wanted to but wasn't sure if I really should. Was all of this progress just talk or was it real and would it continue? Was he love bombing me to get me to say yes or was he as sincere as he appeared to be? I weighed it over and over in my mind and finally agreed to get back together with him. That night, we went to hear some live music and saw some mutual friends. I was excited we were back together but also feeling cautious.
The next morning I woke up feeling better about my decision. We even had a discussion about something I did in the past that he didn't like. When I disagreed with his opinion and pointed out why, he actually began to understand my point. In the past, he would have either said nothing and secretly resented me or started a fight and threaten to walk out on the relationship. This was really promising.
This morning when I woke up, I felt at peace with my decision. We had some more deep discussions through the morning. At one point, we started to discuss the relationship that he has with his mother that I feel is dysfunctional. I gave him an ultimatum. It started to get heated but we were able to talk through it and he didn't threaten to leave the relationship. I had to apologize later because even though I had made an "I" statement, I demanded instead of requesting. There is a lot of fear around this particular issue and if it is not resolved, it will be a deal breaker. I apologized for demanding and acknowledged that I don't have a right to tell him what to do. I can ask for what I need but ultimately, it is up to him whether or not he will agree to meet that need. The bottom line is that even though a touchy subject came up and I didn't handle it well, he kept his cool and didn't waver on his commitment, in fact reassured me that I was his first priority and that he would work out this problem on his terms.
To an outsider, it could certainly appear that I have lost my mind. I have done a complete 180 in just a few days. While it's only been a couple of days, so far the dynamics of our relationship have completely changed for the better. Time will tell if this sticks. I hope so because even in my pain, anger and fear, I never stopped loving him. He is the love of my life and while love is not enough and not always healthy, I feel that the combination of the metaphysical message and the events with trying to move on softened my heart. For my own peace of mind, I had to give him one more chance to know once and for all if this will work. He was giving me what I asked for in the letter and he was giving us a chance to be a team. No matter how crazy it appears, I couldn't walk away from this.
Am I recommending throwing caution to the wind in all circumstances like this? Absolutely not! It is rare that a middle-aged man would be willing to change let alone have the strength to do it. At this time, I feel he is beating the odds and stepping out in faith. Only time will tell what the future holds for the two of us. Regardless, I will continue to do my own work with my therapist and heal those childhood wounds that remain. I hope that we work together and support each other's healing. If not, I still have me, myself and I and we're a great team - the best!
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