Last week I wrote about a setback I encountered in my healing. Ironically, early this morning, I did a live podcast interview that was titled From Setback to Comeback. During that interview I talked about the setback I wrote about. Today, I was able to look at it with a lot more perspective. Instead of shame, I was feeling proud of myself for making progress.
As we discussed in the podcast, progress is not linear but a series of ups and downs. As I navigate a new relationship, there will be a lot of downs. This isn't necessarily bad, the downs come in the form of triggers which are really opportunities for change. I stated that I wanted the benchmark going forward to not necessarily be less triggers but a better reaction to them. As I view my triggers as opportunities for healing, they will naturally decrease in frequency. As trust is built in my relationship, there will also be less reasons to be triggered.
One of the benefits of being in a healthy relationship is that I can be myself without fear of rejection. That being said, I have many things I need to work on for the relationship to be healthy for both of us. For example, the fear of abandonment I suffer from is real. I have been abandoned by most people in my life. I still struggle to trust my boyfriend because trust has been broken so many times in the past. I want to trust him more but I need to be hypervigilant for a while to ensure that his behavior is authentic and not love bombing. He's quite aware of the microscope he is under.
Since I'm given the freedom to be authentic in my communication, I can share what is really going on in my head without being judged. Even when my mind is running amuck, at least I can safely share that it's happening. As well, he's open to me sharing information and educational videos about narcissism that explains my behavior and validates that I'm not crazy just reacting to a past painful experience. The work of healing is my responsibility but I am depending on my boyfriend to provide support and understanding as I do the work.
I reached a pretty bad low a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to give up. I was so distraught that I canceled my weekly support group. I felt guilty doing that because those ladies were counting on me, but I felt that I had nothing to give to others that day. I only had the energy for myself and had to honor that. Fast forward to now, I realize that it was okay that I had do some self care. It's okay that I had a setback. Now the comeback is that I have the chance to look at the situation objectively and figure out why the triggers occurred and why I reacted so badly to them. I can move forward and work on reacting better next time.
Setbacks are inevitable. Be kind to yourself when they happen and practice self care. Many inventors "failed" numerous times before inventing common things like the lightbulb and rubber tires. If they had quit, we wouldn't have these things today. If you quit, you won't reap the benefits of the comeback in the future. Give yourself downtime to regroup and then get your eye back on the prize. Each setback is indeed an opportunity to do better next time. Without them we wouldn't be able to heal.
Comments