Yesterday was day 2 of focusing on strength. Some may say that being strong is never giving in but I think strength is less linear than that. I think strength includes ups and downs, having a weak moment and then picking yourself back up and refocusing on the goal.
This weekend has been very taxing mentally and included a lot of firsts. It is the first weekend after my ex moved out for good. On Friday, I went to a new place by myself for the first time. Yesterday I went to my favorite bar to hear my favorite dance band for the first time without him. This was difficult because I've gone with him many times there and seen this band with him many times as well. I felt sad and lonely and a little uncomfortable because this is also the first time I've made an appearance with my group of friends without him. At times, I could feel the questioning looks. I told everyone I was okay but under the surface, I was dying. He was in my every thought. His memory was in every corner. In spite of that I feel it did me good - I can't hide forever. I've been trying to balance alone time with getting out. I don't want to be so busy I don't process my emotions but I also don't want to isolate myself and wallow in my misery. Dancing and physical activity are soothing to the soul. As the last set wound down, I could feel the dread creeping in. The knowing that I was going home to an empty house.
My plan was to walk the dog and then write a blog to process my sadness. While at the local dog park, I got blindsided. I was scrolling on Facebook and a memory from one year ago that day unexpectedly popped up. The stress of all the firsts this weekend and the post pushed me over the edge. We went to Horseshoe Bend on our way to Page to kayak into Antelope Canyon from Lake Powell. The first two days of the trip were magical and the look of happiness on my face was hard to look at. The one picture that got me the most was a selfie of us kissing in front of Horseshoe Bend. I hadn't cried much this past week and it all bubbled up to the surface when I saw the pictures of us on the trip.
I did what therapists would recommend I not do... I called him crying. I needed a hug and comfort. I know going back to the source of the pain is not the best thing to do, but in that moment, I was overwhelmed. He ended up coming over and we cried together and then I let him spend the night. In addition to still being in love with him, the physical attraction hasn't waned either. I never thought that I would have the best sex of my life in middle age, but he has been by far the best lover I've ever had. The sexual attraction between us has been strong from the beginning. It was the one thing we were compatible with.
I knew I was taking a step back but I decided to be okay with it. I am very aware that great sex doesn't equate to a great relationship. I stood my ground that the relationship is over and that eventually he will be completely out of my life. I realized that this breakup is turning out to be more messy than I anticipated. I also told myself that this can't continue on a regular basis. It feels good in the moment, but the bittersweet aspect of it reminded me that I must not delude myself. I could already feel myself mentally withdrawing which is a good thing.
It felt good to sleep in his arms all night and wake up next to him. I felt the comfort from that but I also felt a deep knowing that the intimacy is an illusion. He doesn't have what it takes for the more important things like commitment and loyalty to make this work. As we talked over coffee in bed, I was stunned by how he looked like a man on the outside but inside he was still a child. His thinking patterns and justifications for his behavior were of an immature nature. I felt pity for him and deep disappointment that he's not capable of seeing his behavior in a more objective way. It reaffirmed that I made the right decision.
When I say this is messy, it means that I do have plans later today to hang out. Yes, I know... the weaning off of him may not be the best approach but it's how I've chosen to approach it. He did ask to spend the night again tonight and I said no. I explained that I don't want an unhealthy pattern to form and spending the night together two nights in a row is not in my best interest. I wanted him to stay but I know that it will get in the way of my healing. I'm moving more slowly than I anticipated so I don't want to derail my efforts entirely.
In my initial post, I said this would not be a Pollyana type of blog. I want to be real and authentic about my wins and my losses, my set backs and my accomplishments. To an outsider, I'm sure it looks like weakness but for now, this how I am choosing to do it. The realizations that I had this morning were profound and validated why this won't work. As time goes, I'll set more boundaries about how frequently we see each other. I think on a subconscious level, he's wanting to keep me in his life so I don't move on. I am aware that he wants to continue to have the privilege of my company without doing the work. At this point, I feel disappointment but not anger and it is making it harder to deal with. I've never experienced this before and it's new territory. I know how to do anger but I don't know how to do this. I'm going to focus on pulling away a little more every day. The veil of delusion is lifting and I'm starting to see the extent of the dysfunction this relationship had. While I'd like to keep him in my life as a friend since we do have a lot of fun together, I know this is not in my best interest. I need to focus solely on my own mental health. If I'm still emotionally tied to him, I won't be 100% available for someone else. This is harmful to me and unfair to the next one. While I'm still hurting, I feel the release from crying and my realizations this morning have moved me forward a little bit. I am strong but I'm also human. As the signs in the picture say... Don't give up. You are not alone. You Matter.
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