I've talked many times on podcasts about being kind to yourself during a setback but this week, I had to remind myself of my own advice. I've been struggling emotionally for a couple of weeks and had a big setback of my own a couple of days ago.
I'm in another transition phase in my life which has been exciting but also very unsettling. It's difficult enough dealing with C-PTSD on a daily basis during normal circumstances, but when you add the stress of a new relationship while also building a new business and going to school, the pressure to keep all the balls in the air can be overwhelming.
First, I'm feeling like I'm racing the clock with the masters equivalent qualification I'm completing in somatic trauma informed coaching. I only have until February to complete 12 modules that add up to a masters equivalent in one year. The pressure is immense. The first seven modules that earned a first level certification were much easier from an academic sense but they were cathartic and life changing from a healing perspective since they were focused on healing from trauma. The remaining five modules are focused on self leadership and each module requires a 30+ page paper on a specific topic. While it's easier from a healing perspective, the academic aspect is kicking my ass. This last paper took me almost two months to complete. I'm stressed because I feel behind and I'm not even sure if the paper will get a passing grade. With only a few months left and a long 6-8 week wait for each paper to be graded, I'm feeling the pressure of completing the work in enough time to be able to submit edits by the end of the year timeline.
Second, I started a new relationship a few weeks ago. It's going well but this scares me. I fluctuate from thinking that I've finally found a healthy person to spend the rest of my life with to the fears that he's just another narcissist who is love bombing me. I tend to fall fast and hard and have decided it's okay to be this way. I just need to pay attention to red flags that I ignored in the past because I was blinded by love instead of looking at it with a discerning eye.
This relationship has grown quickly and we are splitting our time between both of our homes which are an hour apart. I spend the weekdays at his house and the weekends at mine. It's disruptive to stay in two different places and often feels chaotic because I either forget things or don't know where they are. This has really poked my insecurities and need for stability. My childhood was very chaotic and at one time a few years ago, I was homeless. I frequently feel like I'm in quicksand and have no grounding. It's also been difficult for me to navigate feeling isolated because I don't have a strong sense of community in the new city like I've built in my old one.
Two days ago, everything came to a head and I lost my shit. I was upset about a misunderstanding that happened in the present which also caused my insecurities to erupt from the past. All relationships have conflict but the healthy ones use conflict as an opportunity to work things out and build trust and understanding in the relationship. While I was disregulated and charged with emotion, I tried my best to express how I was feeling and perceiving everything. I shared a video explaining the after affects of narcissistic abuse and how it shows up in future relationships, including healthy ones. I wasn't trying to get a free pass to continue to be disregulated, but wanted to explain why I do the things I do to get understanding and support while I worked on these issues within myself.
The spiral of disregulation and shame that follows is also difficult to navigate. In these moments, I want to give up. I feel that I'll never be better and heal from my trauma. I hear the claims of imposter syndrome in my head as I try to heal my own demons while helping others heal theirs. While I've come a long way, I still have a long way to go. I've got a lot of my own stresses but adding the change and fears that this relationship is bringing can be overwhelming. The conflicting battle in my mind that says I'm in a safe relationship one moment then says it's afraid I've been duped again is stressful. The isolation I feel in a new town only adds to the distress. I've taken steps to meet more people but I'm still in the start up phase of building a new life in a new city.
I've struggled this week with showing some self compassion. I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself for having another setback. I'm weary at times and wish I could just move on and feel like a normal person does but I have to remind myself I'm not normal. I've been indoctrinated into the cult of narcissistic abuse which means I'm facing a lifetime of deprogramming from abusive relationships. It means frequent triggers and occasional setbacks. It means fearing good things in my life because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It means sometimes I don't follow my own advice. It means being able to more objectively look at it a couple of days later when I'm feeling more regulated and starting over... again.
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