Since the breakup, I have been having more moments of clarity about the reality of my recent relationship. After he walked out the door and I had some time to re-evaluate what really happened, I realized he did me a favor by leaving. I was so madly in love with him that I couldn't see how many red flags were waving. I am loyal and vowed to stay and help him work through his issues. I gave more than I received on a regular basis. It was a toxic relationship that was undermining all of the hard work I had done over the years to personally grow. I still love him but I love myself more.
My heartbreak is still very real and in those moments that I miss my ex, I remind myself I don't miss the gaslighting, being made an option instead of a priority, the pushbacks and the walls, the fights, the lack of emotional intelligence, the commitment phobia... I miss what I thought the relationship was and who I thought he was. I don't miss the love bombing and the insincere attempts to convince me he loved me. I don't miss the eroding of my boundaries and the false accusations. I was set up for failure. He didn't tell me what he truly wanted or what his boundaries were and then proceeded to accuse me of being controlling.
I was in a relationship with someone who lived in fantasy land. He didn't want to face the reality of the hard work that all relationships require. He refused to take accountability for his part. He refused to deal with toxic family members who were undermining the relationship. He retreated and decided the relationship was over months before he walked out. He shut me out and never gave me a chance to work with him, never gave us a chance to be a team. He triangulated me against his family, in particular, his mother. He didn't put me first. He discounted my value and evaded commitment like it was the plague. He walked out on me instead of sticking it out and dealing with his discomfort with conflict.
I never had a chance. I wasn't perfect but even if I was, he would have found some fault with me to justify his lack of commitment to me and complete commitment to his mother. In spite of his desire to be loved, he refused to put in the effort to earn it. He just wanted it handed to him. He wanted to act like a single man but reap the benefits of being in my life. I even gave him a second chance and he blew it within 24 hours with hot/cold behavior. He wanted the relationship on his terms and didn't care about what my needs were. Many times, I felt like I was dealing with a spoiled teenager instead of a middle-aged man. He's a child in a man's body.
When my heart starts to hurt again, I remind myself of all the things I didn't like about the relationship instead of focusing on the good times. This keeps me from losing my resolve and giving him a third chance. I heard something profound today that really spoke to me. When they leave and try to come back, don't let them. You deserve someone who will stay, not someone who will come back. Bingo! It's easy to get caught up in the feelings of love or physical attraction that remain while still healing from a breakup. Focusing on the reality of why the relationship didn't work is far better than focusing on the fantasy of why it could.
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