On Monday morning I dropped everything and canceled all of my appointments for a couple of days. While being self employed can be stressful at times, it's also a blessing when emergencies come up and life throws you a curve ball. When I quit my job in April, there were so many reasons behind it - I don't like working for someone else, I wanted more freedom in my life and I wanted to pursue a dream I'd put on hold for many years. Freedom meant I could travel to see my daughter and grandchildren anytime I want. It also meant being home more for my geriatric dog who needs more care and less time home alone unsupervised.
My dog became very sick and I wasn't sure what the end result of our vet visit would be. We were scheduled to go on a camping trip the next day so I had to postpone it a few days. I decided I would go camping with or without him. If I had to put him down, I would use that time to grieve while getting out of the house for a while. If he was still with me, we would be blessed with one more trip together. Camping is a tradition of ours as well as visiting national parks and getting pictures of him on our travels. I desperately wanted a little more time with him but also didn't want to prolong his suffering if he had reached a point where his quality of life had decreased too much.
Since I had the freedom to completely clear my schedule without asking permission from anyone, this gave me time to sit with him and process the possibility that I may have to say goodbye. We weren't able to get a vet appointment until Tuesday afternoon so I spent all of Monday and Tuesday sitting with him and crying with anticipatory grief. I told him how much he has meant to me and how I would let him go with dignity whenever the time came. I sat and talked about all the great adventures we had over the nine years we've been together - numerous day trips, camping adventures and vacations on the road.
We have lived in three different states and traveled to many others over the years. He's been to several national parks including Mount Rainier, Mount St. Helens, Crater Lake, Canyonlands, Arches, Saguaro, Joshua Tree, Glacier, etc... He is not only my traveling companion but my soul dog. His support and unconditional love over the years has gotten me through some pretty hard times including getting divorced and being homeless. He makes friends everywhere he goes. While spending Christmas in Palm Springs last December, he was able to hang out with me at a hot springs for the day. While I soaked in a warm mineral pool, he napped under the cabana while getting occasional pets from the other patrons. It was a wonderful relaxing Christmas day for both of us and a memory I'll never forget.
When I arrived at the vet, I was apprehensive and worried but felt all of the tears and shared memories with him over those two days had prepared me for the worst. His neurological condition had worsened which is why his breathing was more labored. The other symptoms were likely stress related. While the vet verified that his quality of life is still good, we have reached a turning point. I now see that we have reached the stage where his quality of life needs to be monitored on a regular basis. He is still with me but we are now entering the last phase of his time with me.
I am so relieved that we are about to embark on another camping trip and I have been given the gift of making more memories with my best friend. Those two days of anticipating his death has helped me to accept that we are on the home stretch together. That time with him was precious. Nothing was more important than sitting with him and comforting him while he was sick and reliving the wonderful memories we have made. I am grateful that I am in control of my time so that I was able to spend those days exactly how I wanted to - holding space for the true love of my life, my dog Goliath.
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