I'm still in shock at the abruptness of the discard including the breakup and then the silent treatment that started three weeks ago. I continue to be baffled by the complete change in behavior - how he could go from pleading to stay in my life to deciding not to communicate with me at all within a couple of days.
On one hand, he probably did me a favor because his silence is giving me the quiet alone time I need to move on. It's giving me a chance to work through my denial of the truth that I have just discovered - he's a narcissist and a toxic person. It's having the opposite effect than I think he's intending. It's not making me want to beg for him to come back, it's making me realize just how fucked up he is. I just saw a video that referred to this as unpacking his behavior. What a great description of exactly what I have been doing. I've been replaying the past year of our relationship like a movie in my mind and seeing where there were signs of manipulation and narcissistic behavior that I ignored or excused as a mere personality difference. I now question everything he ever told me. I question his motives on the things that he did as well.
In my support group the other night, I was encouraged to change my perspective of his silence and see it as a gift from God because I'm getting what I need to be more objective about the true nature of the relationship. I have been watching a lot of videos about narcissistic abuse to remind myself of what it looks like. One lady in particular does skits to demonstrate the crazy, abusive behavior of a narcissist. A few hit home pretty hard - it was exactly what my ex did.
I woke up today with a strong urge to take another huge leap in my healing and block him to prevent any further contact. It's a decision I don't take lightly because of the strong message that it sends in my mind that I am closing the door on him forever. It means I must accept he really is a narcissist and there is no longer any room for him in my life in any capacity. His lack of communication is his way of punishing me for not going along with his delusions. My decision to block him would not be to hurt him but to protect me from further hurt.
The thought ran through my mind that if this is a gift, he has the power to take it away. Should he decide to change tactics and go from silent treatment to hoovering (his usual mode), my quiet time of objectional thought will be intruded on. It could create a setback -- I would be sucked back into his anger, blame and manipulation. It may stir those strong feelings I still have for him that I am trying to let go of. As well, every day that goes by that I haven't heard from him, I feel the pain of the discard. It gives him power over me. I also had some concerns that he might come out of the woodwork over the holidays. Thanksgiving is next week and he knows about my plans to go to Colorado. I lived there for eight years and consider it my real home. I left 10 years ago after being stalked by an ex-husband. He knows how important this trip is and he has a history of ruining holidays and special occasions. I didn't want to give him the chance to do this.
As I drove to work this morning, I went over and over it in my mind. I felt strongly it was something that I needed to do, but it made me sick to my stomach. I kept asking myself if this was necessary or if I was reacting too strongly. It felt so harsh but my peace must be protected from those who don't value it. I was also struggling with the finality of it and that it symbolizes that he is gone for good. The thought of never talking to him again broke my heart. Back and forth, back and forth. Should I block him? Should I think about it longer? Should I talk to someone about this first? Am I overreacting? Wait a minute, isn't that exactly what the narc wants me to think? My memory of the conversation in question is completely different from his. Isn't this what he wants me to do - question my reality and accept his delusions instead? I decided not to drag out this decision - I would only talk myself out of it. As soon as I parked the car at work, I blocked him.
All day, I've felt like crying. I feel deeply sad that it came to this. I feel disappointed that he can't be the man I need him to be. Not only will I not be spending my life with him, I can't be friends or talk to him at all. Any contact would be detrimental to my healing. I have to make some hard decisions that will initially rip my heart out but with time, are the best way to heal the wounds. I need to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. I questioned my decision all day long even though I felt I did the right thing. I made sure I told a couple of people I did it so that they will keep me accountable in remaining in no contact. Some have felt relief after going no contact but I'm not there yet. I need to be strong because it is inevitable that I will run into him in person - we live in a small town and have several mutual friends. I need to get to the point where I am indifferent to him and his presence doesn't tug at my heart strings. I need to get to the point where he has no power over me.
I'm going to use this time to heal and give myself a lot of self care. I'll try to eat and get sleep -- try is the optimum word. I will continue to regularly exercise, meditate and journal. I feel my extensive journaling last week helped me have a breakthrough. I will continue to listen to my gut and learn to accept the hard truth - that I fell in love with his representative. The real him that showed up three weeks ago is not a loveable person; he's very angry and dark. I don't like that person. I must get through this and work through my own wounds to become a healthier person. That healthy grounded man is out there somewhere. I need to be ready for him when he shows up. Most important though, I need to be healthy for myself. I deserve peace. I deserve self love. I am amazing and have a lot to offer and only want to share what I have to give with someone who deserves it.
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