I have come a long way in the past 11 years but setbacks are part of the process. I'll admit I've been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. I'll go through stages like this when I feel vulnerable and like everything is falling apart. This past week has been particularly challenging. I've been single on and off for years. One part of me is capable of handling problems that arise but another part is weary that I always have to solve my problems on my own and don't have the support of a partner to help carry the weight.
I decided to go camping in the mountains three hours from my home to escape the heat and recharge my mental battery. My car started having issues accelerating while driving there. Initially, I wasn't too worried - I've had this car over two years with no problems so I made a mental note to have it looked into when I returned.
On the second day while driving a few miles to a town to get some ice, the problem got worse and several warning lights came on. I was on top of a mountain with no cell service and no idea how serious the problems with my car were. I felt overwhelmed and frustrated that this happened while traveling alone. I took a moment to regroup. My campground host told me about a visitor center that I knew I was close to. When I arrived, I was pretty frazzled but deeply grateful that the two ladies working the visitor center let me use the landline. They helped me find a local Toyota dealership and I made a service appointment.
The old me would have completely panicked and cut my camping trip short to get the car looked at immediately. I decided that I could live without more ice so I didn't have to go any further up the mountain. I would take the car back to my campsite and not move it for the remaining two days since I had concerns about making the problem worse by driving the car any more than necessary. Luckily, I was going back down the mountain which meant I could coast most of the way till I hit the valley. The new me said there was no reason to change my plans. Letting the car sit for two days wasn't going to make the situation better or worse. Plus, my dog is elderly and I don't know how many camping trips we have left. I didn't want to squander this time with him. It ended up being a good lesson in acceptance. Since I wasn't using the car, this meant I had plenty of time for hanging out in the hammock, napping, reading or simply doing nothing which is a rare luxury.
I made it safely to the dealership. After waiting all day, they finally finished the repair and I was on my way home. Two miles out, the same acceleration issues started and the warning lights came back on. Luckily the service department was still open and I returned to the dealership. The old me would have come in yelling and taking my frustrations out on the staff. The new me said this would not help the situation. I had to focus on a solution. I was able to negotiate leaving the car there for further evaluation and getting a free rental for several days. It's frustrating that I have to drive back next week to get my car but bringing it home was not an option since it will damage the transmission. I've decided to turn the inconvenience into an opportunity. There were a couple of sights I wanted to see in the area and it was too hot to leave my dog in the car while I explored. I will make a day trip out of it and do something fun.
I thought my troubles were over for the day but when I got home late in the evening, I discovered that my swamp cooler had stopped working. Since daily highs are currently 100+, this meant a miserable night and a long weekend of living in a sweat box. I submitted a maintenance ticket before going to bed but didn't expect to hear from the property manager until Monday morning. I was more concerned about my dog since he has long fur and a breathing issue. His panting to regulate his body temperature was deeply concerning. Once again, a silver lining - the assistant manager happened to come in on a Saturday to check emails. I was able to get my swamp cooler fixed in less than 24 hours.
Even though the past couple of days were the most stressful of the past two weeks, I found that it pushed me out of my funk. The gratefulness that I felt for people who went above and beyond to help me find a solution helped me to see that I'm not alone. When I showed up with kindness and understanding, they reciprocated. Even with the stress of the car, I still felt like I had a great camping trip. I was glad I went during the week because the campground was almost empty which meant it was very quiet. The temperatures were 20-25 degrees cooler and the stars at night were spectacular. The site was isolated and shaded with trees which is exactly what I was looking for.
In summary, I'm learning to make lemonade out of lemons. In the past, I would have gone into complete shutdown from feeling overwhelmed. I attribute this improvement to the certification that I'm taking in somatics. I am more aware of my body sensations in relation to my emotions. When I became disregulated, I was able to use the skills I've learned to re-regulate. It helped me to see that not having a man in my life doesn't mean I'm alone. I don't have to find solutions to my problems by myself. There are people all around me who are kind and willing to be service.
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