As I continue to review my relationship over the past year and see things from a vastly different perspective, I am starting to see how frequently I was manipulated or lied to. These realizations are so hard to accept. I was deceived and it's painful to realize that someone could be so heartless.
A particular incident has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of days. When I first got back together with my ex, I referred to a heart shaped stone in a post and its significance. That heart symbolized a push from the Universe to give him another chance - a sincere act of love. I no longer believe that was his intention. He knew that heart would soften my resolve and let him back in my life. He used that against me to manipulate me into saying yes. As I read how he appeared to have changed, I realized he put on a good show in the beginning as most narcs do. It really did appear in the moment that he was working on himself. He outright said he was 100% committed and promised to work things out instead of stonewalling me. As time went on though, he went back to his old habits of deception and blame. A perfect example of love bombing then devaluing. Ultimately, he discarded me with blame and silent treatment. The moment I broke up with him, I gave the heart back to him, putting it in his hand. It sat on the kitchen counter for a couple of days then disappeared. I'm glad it's gone... it is a strong symbol of how far he went to deceive me to get what he wanted. When the man who gave him the heart talked about not letting anyone or anything get in the way of our bliss, maybe there was a deeper meaning. Maybe he wasn't referring to our relationship, but my journey of self love and healthy relationships.
It is so unsettling that I didn't see the manipulation for what it was. While hanging out last night, a couple of friends mentioned that they saw something negative in him and could see myself giving up parts of myself to be with him. I was really surprised but it's always easier for an outsider looking in to see what we can't. I encouraged them in the future to tell me when they see things like that. I thought a lot about what they said. I had given up my music and pursuing a band because he wanted a travel partner. On average, we went out of town about once a month and did have some great adventures. I justified just going to karaoke to fill that jones with excuses like I didn't have time for both and had to choose. Now, I realize I could have proposed a compromise. Since we didn't travel every weekend, the remaining weekends could have been made available for gigs. I could have enjoyed both of the activities that bring me joy.
As painful as these moments of clarity are, they are necessary. I'm on day three of no contact and I'm still feeling a lot of sadness about it. The more soul searching I do, the more I can see just how toxic the relationship was. This is not a form of blame shifting but a truth telling exercise. First, I need to see where he manipulated me so that I don't feel the desire to have him in my life. Second, I need to see where my wounds need to be healed so that I don't allow this behavior in future relationships. I have to keep reminding myself that the man I loved was his representative, a smokescreen. The real person he is on the inside is not someone I love. There's been no going back for me since the moment I realized that I'm dealing with a toxic narcissistic person. He is incapable of personal growth. His claims of working on himself were tactics to get me back and prevent me from leaving again. I have to keep reminding myself that the silent treatment he participated in is a form of control and abuse. He is punishing me for ending the relationship, kicking him out and calling him out on his dysfunctional behavior. If he truly loved me or even just wanted to remain friends, he may still have been angry but would have come back with an earnest apology and a willingness to talk and work through it. He would have done what was necessary to continue to earn my respect and treat me the way I deserve.
Each piece of baggage that I unpack from the suitcase of our relationship is changing my perspective of what really happened. I have chosen to leave the previous blog posts up because they are what I was feeling in the moment. It's been helpful to look back and see where my mindset was. Strangely, it's been very revealing to me where I fell down and allowed myself to be deceived. As well, it documents the process of love bombing, devaluing and discarding. My hope is that someone else will recognize those patterns in their own life and act accordingly to put an end to it. As I see posts and videos from other survivors of narcissistic abuse that resonate with me, it has provided both aha moments and comfort that I am not alone. My plan is to mindfully remove each item from the suitcase and take some time to examine it. What do these items represent? What can I learn? What should I change? What should I continue to do the same? When I'm ready to start investing in another relationship, I want to make sure that all of the items in the suitcase will be useful and beneficial.
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