As a follow up to last week's post about solitude, I found that I needed the uninterrupted time to think more than ever. When I Ieft for my camping trip on Tuesday, I was more physically and mentally exhausted than I had ever been. I relax a lot on these trips, but I also do a ton of contemplation about where my life is and the experiences that I have had since the last trip. Am I okay with the people I spend my time with or do I need to leave some people behind? What do I really want in a relationship and are my experiences in the dating world aligning with that? Are there things that need to change or stay the same? How am I doing on my healing journey and how can I do better?
There were some stressful feelings attached to this trip but there were also really good things that happened as well. I chose to go to Big Lake in the Arizona White Mountains. This campground was recommended to me by another camper on a previous trip. I had heard how beautiful this area was but had been hesitating to go there because I used to live close to those mountains and some very traumatic memories were associated with that area.
I decided that the PTSD I was experiencing from the car accident in Show Low that totaled both of my vehicles and ultimately became the end of a relationship needed to be faced. That painful time in my life would continue to have power over me until I faced it and drove through the town and possibly the road where everything changed for me. As I got closer to that area, my stress level was off the charts and I dreaded driving by where that accident occurred. Luckily my GPS directed me a different way that went through the mountains and through Pinetop that held some good memories. After I was safely in the mountains and on the last leg of the trip, I felt proud of myself for facing my fear. I was safe and no car accidents occurred. Unfortunately, there were other stressors that day.
My dog's health has been declining. He has a neurological condition that has caused laryngeal paralysis. Essentially, the flap in his throat that protects his airway while eating is partially paralyzed and prevents him from breathing normally. As the condition worsens it will lead to suffocation. Eventually I will have to put him down so he doesn't die a miserable death. This means that his breathing has become increasingly more labored. The vet says he still has a good quality of life but that I must keep him calm. If he does too much heavy panting, the airway could swell shut. My dog had a full blown anxiety attack in the car and within 30 minutes was wheezing badly. We still had several hours of driving left and he would not survive the trip. I had to pull over and give him a sedative and hope that I hadn't waited too long. The realization that this may be our last long trip was devastating. We have a long history of traveling together and I was mourning that loss. As I set the tent up, I was crying in anticipatory grief. I originally owned this dog with my ex-husband. It will be a double loss when he goes because I am not only losing my beloved dog but also my last connection to his original daddy and my ex-husband. That realization guts me and hurts like hell.
By the next morning, my dog was doing a lot better and the sedative had worn off so he was his usual happy self. That was a huge relief. As well, I was concerned that I may not have any cell service while anticipating the birth of my first grandchild. The camp hosts were so helpful and pointed out that there was one small spot by a log where others had been successful in getting some service. I got a text that morning that my daughter was in labor.
My grandson was born around 4 a.m. Thursday morning. I was thrilled to receive pictures and a video from my son-in-law. A mixture of emotions hit me so I decided to go sit by the lake for a couple of hours. I cried for joy and I cried for sadness. I was flooded with memories of the day my daughter was born. It was the best day of my life. Everything had come full circle and it was strange to think that the small baby I held that day was now a mother herself. I was so proud of my daughter and who she had become. I was sad that my daughter lives on the East Coast and I live in the western US and was not going to see my first grandchild in person on the day he was born.
Initially, I was concerned that the baby would come while I was out of town and I wouldn't get the message for a couple of days but now I realized I was exactly where I was supposed to be. If I had been home, I would have been busy with meetings and business activities. Since I was camping, I had the whole day to just relax and enjoy the moment. I met two couples at the campground and was so excited that they got to share the news and this wonderful day with me. I also texted my best friend since she is already a grandmother and would understand how I was feeling. In addition, I reached out to my ex-husband. He cared so much for my daughter. Even though we are no longer married, we have continued to cheer each other on. There was no one else that I wanted to share this private moment with. I knew how much it would mean to him. I felt sad that he was no longer in my life to share it with me in person but that is how things turned out.
As I sat on the lake, I realized that my life is like the waves that are coming to shore. Each wave represents an experience, good or bad. Without the first wave/experience, the next one cannot occur. Each wave is a new realization or improvement in my life. Sometimes we have to go through hard times or loss to shape us and prepare us for what we are meant to be. My daughter just went through the pain of labor, but it resulted in this beautiful child that will bring her so much joy. I also thought about generational trauma and how we owe it to ourselves and our future generations to break the pattern. I have made many decisions in my life that didn't serve me. As I have worked hard at making less of those decisions, I wanted to continue to grow not just for my own highest good but the highest good of my daughter and grandson. I wanted to show them the way and that it is possible to rise above your circumstances. It's possible to heal from trauma. That the previous waves of bad experiences shaped me into the strong powerful woman I have become. In spite of an abusive childhood that sent me the message that I am not enough, I made the decision to decide that I am wonderful just as I am. I am enough for myself and I don't need validation from others to continue to believe that. My life is happening just the way it should and I'm going to leave this world in a better place than I arrived with or without a man by my side. The waves of change have served me well.
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