I've been on a roller coaster of emotions lately and in a funk a lot of the last two weeks. I've been dealing with a sick geriatric dog which means I've been spending a lot of money I don't have. This has created a double stress of worrying about my dog's heath and the rising credit card bills that come with it. In addition, a lot of stuff has been coming up for me while taking a course to be a somatic trauma informed coach. While this is part of the healing process, it's just not easy.
I've also been feeling terribly lonely. I'm outgoing and an extrovert so living alone is difficult for me. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss human touch and affection. I frequently tell myself its okay to feel lonely as long as I don't act lonely. I can't let my loneliness drive my decisions and cloud my judgement. I won't accept less than I deserve in a man to put a temporary band-aid on that loneliness.
With all of this going on, I had reached a pretty bad low by the end of the week. I was overwhelmed with stress, weary, and feeling hopeless about the changes I wanted to see in my life. The downward spiral was a bit concerning, but yesterday I started to see positive changes.
It began with my dog's vet appointment. While it was very expensive since we had to run some tests, the preliminary results ruled out major organ dysfunction. We still don't know what is wrong with him but it's looking more like a less serious condition that is treatable. This was a huge relief since my dog has been a stable source of support in my life. We've been together for nine years and he has been more loyal to me than any man ever has. I know as he ages, our goodbye is coming sooner rather than later, but any extra time I can get with him while he still has good quality of life is precious to me.
I had declared this year to be my year of joy. I vowed to pursue those things that brought joy into my life and get rid of the ones that don't. Two of those things were intellectually stimulating conversations with my friends, not just casual conversations and to start singing in a band on a regular basis to make some extra money.
Over the past few days, I've had some really interesting conversations with friends. The course I'm taking is helping me to see things in a different light. As I talk about what I'm studying, I am starting to see who are casual acquaintances and who are friends that I can develop a deeper connection with.
Since my time has been more divided with this course, I've also had to cut back on my music activities. I was going to open mics and sometimes sitting in with bands. I decided the best use of my limited time was to support the local bands and sit in when asked. Yesterday, a musician asked if I would regularly sit in with his band for a few songs. I was honored because the members of his band are quite talented. While I'm doing this for free, my hope is that it leads to paying gigs. At the least, singing is my happy place and this is what I've been hoping for.
It was interesting this weekend to realize the yin and yang of my life. On one hand, I've got some heavy stressors but on the other hand, I'm starting to manifest the things in my life that bring me joy. I'm still feeling frustrated about the things that haven't changed, but I'm no longer hopeless about it. I'm seeing a trend of manifesting what I want. I'm going to assume that the other things are coming as well since my life seems to be gaining some momentum.
When we are in the depths of despair or in a pattern of frustration, it's hard to imagine things will ever improve. This has been an important lesson for me that there are ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Life is always changing.
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